Happy New Year!

I don't do resolutions.
I try to reflect on the past year and find, in myself, what I need to improve upon.
Am I moving in the right direction?
What have I done to grow, mentally, emotionally & spiritually?
What could I have done better?
What are my weaknesses?
What don't I like about myself?
What have I done for others?

I pray for more strength in 2007.
I pray for clarity and direction in my life.
I pray for the will to be more self disciplined and to not procrastinate.

Most of all, I pray for a miracle for my Dad & Mom.
I pray, with all the pieces of my heart, for their good health and happiness.





I wish you all that you need in 2007.

Amen.

Merry Christmas

I'd like to wish each and every one of you the very bestest of Holidays! Julieta even got dressed up to send her wishes too!




 

Found Something

I found something yesterday that I thought I had lost for good, my Christmas spirit. It started creeping in during our office lunch. Gifts were exchanged, food and snacks were abundant. The atmosphere was relaxed and the conversion came easy. A far cry from my borderline meltdown a few hours prior when sitting in a 15 mile traffic backup from a 9 car pileup on the highway. My good friend D was stuck in the same traffic and talked me in to getting off the highway and meeting for a cup o coffee. It was a good idea.

That feeling came in to focus at my parents house after work. Sitting at the kitchen table chatting with my Mother, seeing the sparkle back in her eyes, looking around at all the decorations, my heart started to swell. It felt wonderful to just sit and talk, to complain about all that there is still left to do. The traditional gathering at Mom & Dads for Christmas Eve is on, I had written it off, with the way things were going.

I have so much still left to do: baking and wrapping and shopping. I'm behind at work. My house is a mess. the checkbook is almost empty and it's all OK. It'll all get done, and if it doesn't, that's OK too. We'll be together. Together with family, drinking nog & eating too many delicious high calorie treats, talking and laughing, taking pictures, taking naps after the maelstrom of present opening passes and our bellies are full of the Christmas dinner. Watching my nephews tear through all their gifts so fast that they don't even realize what they're actually getting and then be looking for more! Laughing till we cry, when watching Chevy Chase take his rocket sled ride down the hill for the hundredth time. Listening to Christmas music. Making memories. Treasuring every second of it. Yup, it doesn't get any better than that.

I hope you've found your Christmas spirit.

12 Pains of Christmas AMV

I really don't need to add anything, this says it all.

Home Again

Mom's home. She's feeling a lot better, but still short of breath. She was on her way to congestive heart failure, luckily, they Cardioverted her in time. There's some fluid in her lungs that should clear up with meds and bring her O2 stats back up. She's home and on her way to a full recovery.

Thank you for your prayers and well wishes.

Converted

Got the word from Dad; Moms converted to normal sinus rhythm and feels a hell of a lot better.

Whew!

Not sure if she's coming home tonight or not, will wait for another update from Dad.

Things are looking better..... it's even Beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you roam..

Mom Update, as requested

Late last week they changed her Cardiovert from Monday to Wed. (for unknown reasons) - they should have left it on Monday.

About 11:30 yesterday, Mom was feeling so bad & her heart rate was so erratic, that she drove herself to the local urgent care facility. It must be the RN mentality, it didn't even occur to her to call an ambulance. OY! I found out about it all when Dad called me to drive him so he would be able to drive Mom's car home.

We arrived at the window of the urgent care area. After a few minutes one of the "extremely busy" nurses at the desk looked up and and droned her mantra "You need to be seen? Please sign the sheet and have a seat." Dad leaned in "I'm here to see Sharfa's Mom". Slightly annoyed at the nurses tone with us, I muttered "Bitch" under my breath. Dad muttered "Don't fall over". I didn't understand his meaning until the locked door was opened by a woman with the biggest bosom I had ever seen. She was the definition of an "apple" figure. She gave new meaning to the term "barrel chested". The exertion of moving her large frame from the desk to the door showed in her flushed face.

We were directed to the last room on the left. Mom was curled up, covered with blankets and on nasal O2. She looked pale and fragile to me. She sat up when we entered and she pointed out the heart monitor which switched back and forth from her pulse to heart rate. It looked like a slot machine run amuck. The numbers flashed different every time: 161, 89, 142, 93, 130......Her breath was shallow and short.

We got the lowdown on what was going on. They were waiting to hear back from Mass General to see if she could be a direct admit. Going through Emergency, they would have to repeat everything she had already been through at Urgent Care. A misnomer if there ever was one. If you've ever seen ER, this was the opposite of that. Things seemed to move in slow motion, and I worry that Big Barbie would have a heart attack if she ever had to do anything urgently.

Mom put her hand to her forehead "Fuck! It isn't going to be much of a Christmas". This is how my parents are. Here is my Mother, lying in a hospital bed with her heart racing like Seabiscuit, and she's worried about all the shopping she hasn't been able to do. Worried about there not being enough presents under the tree, worried about everyone else. "Screw Christmas" my Dad and I both said. "You'll get the Convert done tomorrow and feel like your old self" Said Dad. "I hope so" Mom whispered.

We joked and laughed. It help relieve some of the tension. We heard the on call Dr. on the phone with Mass General and the three of us leaned towards the door - trying to eavesdrop on what was being said. "Lasix, heart normal size....lungs" Only bits and pieces could be heard. Mom was worried about having to go into Boston by ambulance, worried about the exorbitant charge they nail you with. "So what" I said "They need to monitor you and have everything handy should something happen. Daddy certainly can't plug you into the car radio for monitoring".

Mom and Dad finally told me to go home, they didn't know how much longer it would be. Everything was under control and I had a sick kid (home from school) at home. Dad called me later. They took her in by ambulance, he went home and she would call when she got settled. There wasn't much of anything he could do anyway.

Dad will be heading there after working a bit this morning. He'll keep me posted.

I'm home with the sick kid again. He's feeling better but still has the stuffy head, sore throat, achy, waking up every hour thing. Too bad - I made a very pretty Tiramisu for the staff Christmas party today.

I told my Dad we should just forget Christmas. "Let's just sit around, eat all day and have a movie marathon, or like Chunks suggested play Scrabble" Sounds like a plan to me.

I know Mom is really scared, even though she tried to hide it. Strangely though, I'm not. I know everything is going to be OK. I'll be in the kitchen, baking a few hundred cookies and breads and treats, if you need me.

I'll post more as I hear.

Conversion

Mom is going in to Mass General Monday to be converted. No, not to the religion of Hospital worship, but to a normal heart rhythm. They will sedate her and shock her heart.

Apparently, it's not a big deal and they do this all the time. Not with my Mother you don't!

Seriously though, it's an outpatient procedure and she should be fine. She just can't take feeling like she has been anymore. I don't blame her, she's wiped out at the slightest effort. Meds should help keep her from reverting back to A-Fib.

I only wish everything could be fixed with a good jolt of electricity.

"CLEAR!"

Bah Humbug!

I have a question for all of you:

Where are you at with your Christmas Shopping? I know that Holiday Shopping is the more politically correct phrase. Go HERE to find out exactly how I feel about that.

Are you already done? I hate you.
Not even started yet? At least I'm ahead of you
Got some but oh so much more to buy, bake, craft? High fives! We're in the same boat

Can I say how much I hate shopping!
People are soooooooooo rude, ignorant and selfish. Like Chunks said a little freakin courtesy goes a long way. These people that take up entire isles and cannot be bothered to get out of the way are going to find my foot up their ass very soon!

That's why I've let my fingers do some of the shopping online and I'm firing up the oven and glue gun for the rest of it.

So, Where you at?

NUMB3RS

2 = Small Tumors untreated, Chemo rounds scheduled (2 months)
3 = The number of Tumors we thought he had
6 = Weeks until follow up
9 = Tumors treated
11 = Tumors Total
14 = Hours at the hospital
80-90 = What Mom's heart rate has dropped to, though it's still irratic

It was a very, very long day for my folks. I haven't seen the PICS Mom took of Dad with the Halo on yet. Tough to eat wearing that thing and, he couldn't wear his glasses, so he couldn't even read. They left 2 tumors untreated because they would have had to reconfigure the machine and apparently thats very time consuming. They found a total of 11 because they did a high contrast MRI, the extras decided not to show up on the regular MRI. In a way that could be considered a good thing. At least they are small and they zapped what they could.

Dad had chemo when he went to the oncologist Tuesday. It kind of surprised my folks because they thought this was more of an update consult. His #'s were up a bit - but that could have been due to the Gamma rays. All the hair that started to come in on his head is going to fall out again.

January is the follow ups. He'll also have lung, ab., pelvis MRI as well as head MRI and then we'll see where we are at.

Mom is about the same. Pulse rate down in the 80-90 range - but irratic. She still hasn't converted. She's got an upcoming appointment as well to see what her next step is.

Hurry up and wait.....again.


Thank you for all your well wishes and mojo!

Going Under The Knife

This PIC is from 1973 (I believe or '75) of my Dad and his best friend Bob. Dad is on the right - love the hippy hair and those 70's shirts?!?! I believe this was a celebration party from when Dad & Bob formed their business partnership.



Thank you Bob & Ginnie for the PIC.

The procedure Dad is having tomorrow is called Gamma Knife or Stereotactic Radiosurgery. I pray it works as well as they claim and it annihilates the brain metastases.

I need to give a shout out to KFarmer
and her persistence in calling me a second time when I was being a shit and didn't return her call. Thank you for your support and kind words - they lifted me up.

If it's not too much to ask, would you all mind sending a lil magick this way tomorrow and help give the Gamma an extra kick? I'd really like to see my Dad smile like that again. 

Hope

What a powerful word that is.
With it, anything is possible.
Without it, we are lost.

Mom & Dad were very encouraged by their appointment yesterday, regarding the targeted radiation therapy. I could hear it in my Dads voice last night. The brain tumors are "small", they have a very high success rate treating tumors such as this. The treatment can be done as many times as needed (not just a one time shot as my Dad previously believed). The treament irradiates the tumors without damaging the normal surrounding tissue.

Moms pulse rate is slowly coming down. Her heart still gets racing at the slightest effort. But. It's coming down.

Encouraged.
High success rate.
As many times as needed.
Slowing heart rate.

Hope.

A Not So Great Birthday

Mom was admitted to the hospital Monday with heart problems. She is in A-Fib.

They are using medication to try and get her back to a normal heart rhythm. She's out of work until at least December 10th. She's in good spirits and says she's OK. This is something that could have been going on for a while before she became symptomatic. It's another wait and see situation. They want to give the meds a chance to convert her back to normal rhythm before they do an Electrical Cardioversion.

Mom got a call Monday evening from my Dad's Doc. Dad finished his 4th round of chemo and had a CT scan. There is slight growth of the tumors in his brain. Mom suspected something was going on because Dad's been having some memory issues recently.

Happy Fuckin' Birthday.

The next step with Dad is a fairly new treatment using targeted radiation to kill the cancerous brain cells.

I wish it was better news I had to share, especially since I hadn't given you all an update in a while.

My parents amaze me with their courage. They're dealing with all of this realistically and so much better than myself. The love they share glows between the two of them every time they hug - which is often.

I turn into a weepy mess every time I sit down to write at this blog - hence the lack of posts. There is a very important post that I have been putting off writing for 6 months(procrastination being a talent I come by honestly!). Perhaps, I will only write it when I am emotionally ready, which I feel I am getting close to. On the other hand, I feel like the story I want to tell is stopping up the works, so to speak. I've come to realize that until I get it out, I won't be able to move forward. I need to move forward. There is so much to tell and do, and I feel stuck by the weight of this story in my head and heart. Therefore, I'll be spending time writing this weekend and hopefully have something worth reading next week.

Now that I've been all polite and nice, I need to rant for a moment:

This is too much shit for one family to go through! No one deserves this. Dad's got cancer, Moms having heart problems, Bro is separated, heading for divorce and totally fucked up, me - I'm hanging on by an emotional thread. It's not right, it's not fair! My parents have worked too long and hard to be totally fucked over just when they should be chillin and enjoying all those years of sacrifice and hard work. I really wonder what the entire point of living is, if these are the rewards for doing the right thing. Oh and can I say how much I am looking forward to Chrismas this year.....right, NOT.

End of rant.

To steal a line from Chunks:
I must be dropping an egg and that's why I'm so emotional.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Today is my Dad's 61st birthday.

We celebrated over the weekend and I actually gave him his present on Thanksgiving. Mom & Dad were going away over the weekend and, who can't use some reading material when relaxing? Mom snatched up Marley and Me first, so Dad was left with Nora Roberts.

Happy Birthday on the actual day, Daddy. May it be a good day, and I'm praying with all my heart for many, many more birthdays that we can celebrate. Love you!

Dog Breath

It's not easy to sleep when you have a panicked, panting, trembling and whimpering Greyhound 6 inches from your face.

So it was at 2:30 AM this morning. It's been so unseasonably warm here that we had a thunderstorm last night. It took her about an hour to settle down and go back to sleep.

At least she's getting better about them & my new curtains are still in one piece.

Bestest Friends

What's the matter?

Nothing.

I hear that sound in your voice, whats going on?

Gawd, I hate you! (laughs) How do you do that?

I can see right through you!(laughing)

I know, and I hate you for it! Can't hide anything from you.

I can hear it, you're just going through the motions, doing what you have to to get by. Ya gotta snap out of it girl!

Yea, you're right.



My bestest friend D knows me too well.

son of pumpkinhead

This is the 6th annual Pumpkinhead by local radio celebrity Billy Costa at Kiss108 in Boston.

These guys are nuts.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Free Hugs

I must have been hiding under a rock or something, today is the first time I heard about this. It's pretty cool and this campaign has reached around the world.

It's true - one man can change the world, even if it's just a little bit. Watch the video then click on the YouTube link and see the list of videos from around the world. Amazing. Gives me hope for our species.

I'm sending a virtual hug to you all.

Have you hugged someone today?

Temporary Insanity

Alas, it was only a temporary glimmer of maturity.

I found out Tuesday that my son decided to cut part of his shop the previous Monday. A mere 6 days after getting caught cutting his first class. Apparently, I went to easy on him and his punishment didn't hit hard enough.

Since when is "falling asleep in the library" and not making it back to shop after lunch, a legitimate excuse? Especially knowing that my son does not fall asleep easily. I had to spend hours laying with him when he was a toddler to get him to take a nap. Does he honestly think I am that stupid?

Then there is his mouth. Goddess - there isn't enough duct tape in the world for that mouth. He could be standing in midair over a bottomless canyon and he would still be mouthing off to me. He doesn't know when to quit. If I spoke to my parents the way he speaks to me - I'd be wearing dentures now. I believe, I am seeing the effects of living with his father for the summer. He sounds just like his father and I'm sure his tone is the tone his father used with him. It both, breaks my heart and makes me want to tie his tongue in a knot.

This kid is going to be grounded until he's 30, if he keeps it up. It will be a miracle if we both make it out of his teen years alive. Does anyone know of a good boot camp?

Heard on Wednesday

My son skipped a class on Tuesday. Not his brightest moment. His schedule is done in blocks, he has the same classes twice in one day. It's a real Einstein moment to show up for the first class, but not the second. His logic probably went something like: I didn't have the major homework assignment to turn in this morning, so why bother going to the second class to review what I don't have.

I had to stifle the laughter after the exchange I had with my son. My baby is growing up and, dare I say it, showing actual signs of maturity.

Mom: "Son, I love you too much to let you go down that path. You're too intelligent to screw up by cutting class".

Son: "I was in the library and didn't hear the bell"

Mom: "Puuuhhhlease, don't insult my intelligence".

Son: (Throwing arms in the air) "I'm not a genius!"

Mom: "What does that have to do with cutting class?"

Son: "Mom, I'm 16. I'm going to screw up every once and a while." (grins)


He didn't complain or argue about his punishment either. He knows what he did was wrong and, he is dealing with the deserved consequences.

Is it possible that the Aliens who kidnapped my baby are losing their hold on him?

A Very Special Day

On this day October 12th, 43 years ago, my parents were married.

Their love and devotion is even stronger now, than it was then.

They truly are soulmates.

They work together as a team.

They each have their own interests and hobbies.

They share many interests too.

They give each other the room needed to be themselves, yet they are one.

The give and take of their relationship is so in sync and balanced it's undetectable.

They give unconditional love and support to each other, their children and family.

They have the type of marriage that is admired and envied by many.

After 43 years, they are still in love.

Happy Anniversary Mummy & Daddy.

Love,
M

In the Stars

Thank you again for all your kind words and encouragement.

To answer a couple questions from yesterday's comments:
I've collected 20 PICS so far. I need to get on a couple people (Hello, Rivers family!?!) to send me theirs and I need to start putting it together!
Dad had a follow up CT a couple weeks back. Everything is shrinking. The tumor in his lung has shrunk by 1/3. It's good news - but I want more, I think we all do.

I have heard that I am not alone in the feeling overwhelmed department. Check out my weekly Tarot reading below, I sometimes think this guy has line directly to my head. His readings are accurate - week after week:

We'll again pull two cards -- the first suggests something we should focus on for the week. The second suggests things we might consider in order to fully benefit from the attributes of the first card.

The cards are:

Two of Pentacles (reversed)

Ace of Pentacles

Note that we have two cards of the same suit. Pentacles usually refer to physical or fiscal matters -- so we'll keep this in mind as we talk about the cards.

The Two of Pentacles refers to complex times. I like to say it's like when the phone rings -- and the doorbell also goes off and the teakettle starts whistling and the dogs see someone in the back yard and start barking and the kids are yelling and ... well, you get the idea. Times when feel you're pulled in many directions -- or you may feel like you're a juggling act and someone keeps adding more and more juggling balls to the mix. You're trying so hard to handle many different conflicting items that something is sure to get short changed. The reversal really amplifies this message -- we should consider matters where we're juggling many related matters while trying to deal with one main issue. Again, the double Pentacles strongly suggest fiscal or physical issues.

UM...I feel like I'm on Candid Camera, that or this guy reads my blog!

The Ace of Pentacles suggests trying a new approach. Sometimes the way to overcome a obstacle is to address and resolve each issue in turn. Sometimes, the best way to overcome an obstacle is to scrap the old approach and begin again, trying a completely new approach. Let's consider if we may have some physical issue -- maybe trying to lose weight, or get blood sugar under control, or simply getting into better physical condition. We may find that we keep coming up with all kinds of reasons why we can't quite address the matter today. Perhaps we're going about things the wrong way -- perhaps we'd be better served by re-evaluating our goal and how we can attain it. A new approach may be more successful.

Same thing with fiscal issues -- outstanding debts, overloaded credit cards, or bummer jobs, for instance. You may feel like you're running in place. No matter how you address the obstacle, next month you're basically in the same position. Again, the Ace of Pentacles suggests considering a new approach may be worthwhile.

Note that sometimes just thinking about creative or new ways to address a situation results in you being better able to resolve the situation in the old way! Maybe seeing different options makes it seem less hopeless -- and it's always easier to operate effectively when you don't feel trapped!

And that's about it this week; I look forward to seeing you again next week. As always, if you're interested in a private reading, please try my sponsors above or my list of readers at http://www.woodsongtarot.com/readers.html . I also welcome your comments at http://woodsongtarot.blogspot.com !

Woodsong -- visit Tarot by Woodsong at http://www.woodsongtarot.com

Looks like it's time to try a different approach, after all, it's in the stars.

Empty the Cache

Dad called called this morning. He said everyone's asking why I haven't blogged. I haven't been around to see them much either.

Truth is, I'm feeling rather overwhelmed at work. My son and I have slipped in to a pretty good routine since his return (which needs it's own post). I fell behind at work with vacation/time off and now have a bunch of deadlines that need attending. I've got a court date coming up the 29th with the ex which needs to be looked at. He decided he wants to give up custody and never see his son again. I haven't been on top of my financials at home, things are late.

I'm walking around with a sick feeling in my stomach all the time, not knowing what to attend to first. I feel like a chicken running around with it's head cut off. Which gets kinda depressing, and when I get depressed I do nothing. Great way to get back on top of things, no? Being overwhelmed with a frosting of guilt really bites.

I need about 80 hours to get caught up at work. I need to just sit down and do what needs to be done at home. My wonderful boss might be hooking me up with a pro bono lawyer to take care of the ex.

I haven't forgotten you, my dear blog. I need to take care of a few priorities so I have the free brain space to write. Right now, there's too much in my head. Need to empty the cache, so to speak.

Thank you

for all your 9/11 posts. I am very interested in the various remembrances of that day.

My Mother was pregnant with me, when JFK was assassinated. Every American citizen, above the age of 6, can recall where they were when they heard the news. The Kennedy Assassination was a polarizing event for America, not unlike 9/11.

September 11, 2001 is an event that will forever affect all Americans. For one, all too brief moment, race, color, and creed had no meaning. America, the almighty, had been humbled irrevocably. Our once immune continent had finally felt the effect of terrorism. We were Christened into a worldwide community. We lost our innocence, our virginity.

We were notified, at the cost of three thousand innocent American's, that we were not beyond the reach of fanatics that despised our way of life. Are you happy with our elected officials response to that notification?

I know that I wanted some form of retribution, or vengance for 9/11. I carry a void of lies and empty promises, from our current government officials telling me that those responsible would pay. It's been 5 years now, and Osama Bin Laden has still not been brought to justice. With all our advanced technology, how can one, physically handicapped individual, still evade our capture?

I have no answers, only opinions. I admit ignorance at all the politics involved. Politics sicken me, to the point that I don't even watch the evening news. BUT, with all our prestige of being the most powerful governmet on the planet, why does it seem beyond our capabilities, to capture a physically handicapped terrorist that apparently murdered 3,000 American Citizens?

On a much, much, lighter note: Why can men remember the exact screwdriver needed to change a license plate, yet not remember a birthday or anniversary?

9/11

9 11


5 years.

How can it be 5 years already?

I watched several documentary/movies/specials over the weekend. Flight 93 was really good. I felt it was a realistic recreation of the events of that flight.

The Anatomy of 9/11 had me in awe of how they can figure out exactly what happened when the towers fell and why. I also learned about the inadequacy of the radio communications, which contributed to so many Firemen's deaths.

Last night I watched 9/11 and cried, almost through the entire movie. It aired on CBS, commercial free and unedited for language. If you haven't seen this yet - watch it. You won't be sorry, just have the kleenex ready.

On that day 5 years ago, our office gathered in the conference room and watched in horror as The Towers came down. That's when I left work and dismissed my son from school. Like the rest of the world, I spent the next few hours glued to the TV, numb from the reality of it all.

I remember "the look" on everyones face, numbness, and the eerie silence in the skies in the following days.

What angers me the most today, 5 years later?....Those responsible have still not been brought to justice as was promised to us, and we are involved in a war that we were led to believe was a necessary reaction to these attacks. Lies.

Where were you that day? What were you doing when you heard? How do you feel about it today?

Overspill

This post is a bit raw. It's disjointed and more a stream of consciousness than anything. I've been avoiding posting about Dad's Cancer, because I've been avoiding thinking or feeling about it. You can only do that for so long before it smacks you in the face again. That happened yesterday afternoon. It's almost like I can only keep the emotions contained for so long before they swell up and need to be released. That being said, here's a Dad update.


Dad has a CT scan scheduled for today. Yesterday, He told me how he is anxious to see the results. I told him that I'd be thinking good thoughts and praying for positive news. I know there will be good results. I am willing good results. I want to know, I don't want to know. Dealing with this is such a rollercoaster of emotion.

I am in awe of my parents strength and love. October will bring their 43rd Wedding Anniversary. They have always been a team. Life has thrown all kinds of crap their way, this being the biggest steaming pile of shit anyone could step in. They are handling this with more courage and calm than I could ever imagine. I wish I could find a love like theirs someday.

Dad opened his Social Security statement from the daily mail. He told me he would receive the same benefit, if he took disability now or retired at 66. He kind of shrugged and said he's going to do that, apply for disability now. He said it so matter-of-factly, casually.

This simple statement struck me on many levels. Does he think he won't see 66? No. He said he was going to fight. But. Fighting doesn't necessarily mean winning. As always, Dad's being realistic, sensible. I cannot accept that reality. To me, there is no being sensible under these circumstances. The only acceptable option is beating it. Cancer does many unpredictable things: it goes into remission, it disappears. I know Dad believes this.

When we first got the diagnosis, my parents planned to sell the place in Maine. Dad didn't want to leave Mom with the burden of a second home. The last time I was in Maine, Dad made a comment to me & my brother about "Maybe we won't sell it at all". The look in his eye told me, he was thinking they wouldn't have to, that he would beat this.

Maybe, it's just because he's feeling so tired from the Chemo. The treatment that's wiping out the Cancer is also wearing down his spirit. Radiation and Chemo take an expensive toll on the healthy part of the body while killing off the cancerous cells.

I told Dad to go for it, as far as Social Security goes. Take the benefits. He's worked so hard for so long. They both have. I am not saying that to encourage enjoying the time his has left, like it's a limited time. My parents deserve to retire to Florida, play lots of golf and have their children visit often. (What do you think that spare bedroom would be for anyway?)

This isn't just a kick in the balls you defeatingly accept. I told him to go for it as a "Fuck You Cancer", I am going to beat your ass and live!

Newly Hatched

I was walking Julieta, in her spiffy new handmade raincoat last night (pictures to come), when I saw a leaf in the street. At least, I thought it was a leaf, until it moved. It was actually this little guy:


That's a newly hatched Snapping Turtle Chelydra Syrpentina Serpentina



So newly hatched, he still had his egg tooth & yolk sac attached to his underside & his shell is still soft. I brought the little fella home and put him in some water and called my son. Every year we find Sun Turtles laying eggs in our yard. He's taken to marking them in permanent ink with the date to see if they come back each year.

Two years ago he caught this nasty looking fella:


Isn't that a face only a mother could love? He must have weighed in at 15 pounds, and had the nasty disposition Snapping Turtles are known for. They hiss and open up that ominous beak just daring you to get too close. You risk losing fingers if you do. They are extremely quick when they attack. It's how they hunt for food. They lie in wait, completely still and snatch their prey with speed only visible by slow motion camera. Though you can't tell from this picture - they can extend their necks halfway down their backs. They should only be picked up by their hind ends, hands safely away from their steel trap jaw.

The hatchling was much more docile, almost tame. He curled up his little tail and tried to pull inside his shell. Wouldn't you, if you were picked up by a giant 30 minutes after you hatched?

My son has visions of a new pet and wants me to set up a habitat for it. Although, it may be cute now, Snapping Turtles grow very quickly. The last thing we need is another reptile. We already have an Albino Corn Snake and a Leopard Gecko , add to that: two cats, a bird and the dog....Well, you get the picture.

He's waited for years in the hopes of catching a hatchling. I couldn't let this guy go without letting son see him first. He comes home Friday. We'll release it in the pond before son starts school next week. I'll bring the camera, maybe we can get some pics of the Swans with six babies that are on the pond too.

In the meantime, I have to go dig up some worms and buy some crickets to feed him. 

Eye See You

The crows and bluejays were causing a ruckus, cawing and squawking. It was springtime in Maine and something was upsetting them. Upon investigation, Dad found this little guy:

I love this picture. Yes - those are my Dad's gentle hands.

How freakin cute is that? It's a fledgling Northern Saw-Whet Owl. The poor thing hadn't mastered flying just yet and was huddled at the base of a tree. Maybe Mom just got fed up and pushed him from the nest before he was ready to fly. Can't say I'd blame her - I have those thoughts all the time. The babe did try to fly and ended up in the lake - needing rescue. He never tried to attack or bite - was very docile.

(Got any witty captions for this photo?)

One of the neighbors took the owl to a local game preserve. It was probably released a short time later. It's very rare to see a Saw-Whet owl, I wish I was there. 

Comparing Bites

Magazine Man posted an entertaining story about being lunchmeat for a spider. Various commenters have told of their own experiences with spider bites.

Unfortunately, I've had some experience as well. I never saw the attacker. It was a drive by biting. Two punctures close together on my neck. Unlike MM, I had no physical symptoms. What was both interesting and gross though, was how the skin necrotized from the poison. The wound ended up being more than 1/4 deep and I am left with this scar:



Here's a closer look:




This happened 3 years ago. My advice to you is: Be wary of spiders, especially the ones you don't see. 

What's in a Name Pt3

The votes are in:
Magick Mojo Monkees
(sorry ericka)

The Party's Almost Over

Pardon my lack of posts the last week. I haven't really had anything interesting to say, I'm still working on a 2 or 3 part post, it's just emotionally wrenching to get through.

Son was home this weekend and spent about 5 minutes with me. He comes home for good in two weeks. He'd better come home with an improved attitude. He was not at all pleasant t0 be around this weekend. I cannot believe he is a junior this year. I am getting old.

Any money he made over the summer (very little) he spent on a new Boost Mobile cell phone. The big plans of working all summer with his father never really happened (like so many of ex's promises.) Son was supposed to be saving for car insurance so he can register his truck. He thinks he's so smart. He informed me that he can't get a job without his truck. I laughed. I felt very old and cliche` when I informed him: "When I was your age, I road my bike 4 miles to and from my after school job." (Uphill, both ways, in blizzards). He'll just have to do the same or, get a job near a school bus drop off point and I can pick him up after work. His normal teen tendency towards instant satisfaction is exacerbated by his ADHD. He's certainly old enough to learn some patience and how to save money if he wants something. At this rate though - he'll be walking until he's 30.

The summer is almost over and, I am sad. It was much easier to adjust to being alone than I though it would be. Kind of nice actually. The house stays clean. I do two loads of laundry a week instead of one a day. I run the dishwasher once every 10 days instead of 2 or 3. My grocery bill is 1/3 of what it is when he is home, ditto with the electric bill. I have only been home two of the last 8 weekends. Having a life is kinda nice. Already, I can't wait for next summer.

One comment son did make this weekend brought me some satisfaction though. He begged me on Friday to buy some of his favorite junk food for snacks. He complained that he gets no snacks and only kool aid to drink at Dad's. (Maybe Mom isn't the Wicked Witch after all). I granted his request with the stipulation that this is a one time deal, when he moves back home he will have whole foods to snack on - no more, sugar filled, empty calorie, expensive cakes, cookies or preprocessed crap. He's going to have to learn to live without Doritos and Hostess and God forbid, - eat more fruit!

While I have learned to enjoy some freedom for the first time in several years, I hope my son & ex have learned a bit too. Ex: that it isn't so easy being an actual parent of a teenager. Son: that it really isn't so bad living with Mom and he actually has it pretty damn good with me. We will see how quickly the memories fade once school starts.

Here's to one last weekend of FREEDOM.

Courtesy of KFarmer

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?


Duh. I think the spiritual part is pretty obvious.
Quiet is good. Especially outside, listing to the wind blow through the trees or wind chimes.

Sometimes I give too much. I definitely hang on too long, years too long in my marriage and again in 2 subsequent relationships . I want to make sure I give something all I've got - I need to learn to distinguish the line where that becomes too much.

If the purpose of my life is showing love to other people, then God decided to test me when he gave me my son.

If I can have the same aura as Angelina Jolie, why the hell can't I have the same bod?

Quick Word

Been Busy at work. Working on a longer post. For now:


  

12am

"The meaning of life is not the absence of pain and suffering. The motivation to move forward is not about having no obstacles or easy solutions. Nothing in life is ever easy. That’s the point. It’s about struggling. It’s about the upward climb. The destination though important is NOT the only reason to wake up in the morning. The journey, the sweat and blood spilled upon our face that is also important too. As a mother, I have failed my children because I could not teach them the things that was important and for that I regret deeply. But that is water under the bridge and is my own cross to bear. You and your sister though are the new generation. You will need to understand that hardship will come. You are all so beautiful and life is full of potential. Don't let the illusion of imperfection delude your eyes, things are exactly the way they should be and the Lord guides us with it."

I like Izchan's aunt and his moving post about her, especially today.

If I could live every day with an attitude like hers, I 'd be proud to be called "the Bitch".

Whats in a Name? Pt 2

The suggestions are in - now it's time to vote:

1. Mojunkies
2. Mojo Junkies
3. Mojo Monkees
4. Sharfa's Angels
5. Sharfanauts
6. Sharfa's Chakra
7. Sharfa's Space Cadets (Sharfa's: Where you too, can be a Space Cadet.)
8. Sharfa & Her Mojo Gang
9. Mojo Company Inc
10. Mystical Magickal Mojo Mob (or the 4 M's)
11. Magick Mojo Monkees (3 M's, we could even borrow the Monkees theme song)
12. Sharfanatics
13. Sharfans

Let me know which you like best. My top two are: Sharfa's Space Cadets and Magick Mojo Monkees.

What's your favorite? Or rather, What would you like to be called?

New Look

Tell me what you think about the new look.

I need to tweak it some more, edit links etc.... I am an HTML novice and still practically illiterate with it, I can't even figure out how to get the nav bar back up the top. I like having the search option. Am I missing an obvious solution?

At least I've moved a smidge beyond the cookie cutter template. Someday I'll be able to custom design my own, yea, right, uhuh.......pigs will be flying then too.

At least this template is more "me" - thanks Caz! And yes, the lady in the picture looks just like me..............oh look, a flying pig!

Is it my imagination?

I took some PICs in Maine this weekend. This is Dad. He got a buzz cut 'cause he was losing his hair from the radiation treatments. He started chemo Friday, so it's only a matter of time before he loses the velcro head.


Julieta didn't mind being scratched by my nephew.



OK, now, this is my other nephew doing somersaults over the back of the couch. Notice anything?



Is it my imagination, or is that the same hazy blue glow that appeared around my Dad? Another funky exposure? Did it show up because the flash didn't go off & the camera picked up the blue slipcover? Why is it only around my nephew's head where he was landing?

I took this PIC seconds after the previous one.

I need to finish off the roll in my 35mm camera to develope those and see if anything showed up there.

My girlfriend J studied auras. She believes the blue glow around my Dad was his aura. A blue aura denotes happiness, health and a good person you'd like to get to know. (Vs. a red aura being someone you should stay away from).

Dad said "That myth is busted".

"Why?" I asked.

"Because, I'm not healthy".

"But, you had a good day that day, you were feeling really good".

"True".

My Grandfather's one year anniversary is Thursday the 10th. I can't believe it's already been a year. Dad says it seems longer. No wonder, he's had a very long year. I can't help but wonder if Papa is still here, watching out for us. Or maybe it's my Nana, Dad's Mom.

Another photographic fluke? Coincidence.....again?

Dog Days of Summer

When it's 106 degrees out, like it was earlier this week, it's good to stretch out in front of the fan that blows the cool air conditioned air on you. (Yes, she always uses a pillow & yes, she loves laying in front of a fan).


But, when you're waiting for Mom to get home, the best seat in the house is by the window that views the street. (How does she curl that long frame into such a small space?


This is her guilty look. She knows that's Mom's chair.

 

Neighborhood Gossip

I was speaking with neighbor last night while walking the dog. She told me that the children and the daughter from next door moved to Ohio with the new boyfriend.

I did a double take.

This must have happened while I was in Maine cause one of the boys was starting up the Camaro, revving it and playing the stereo loudly (directly beneath my living room windows) just last Thursday. No wonder it has been so quiet this week.

Like the rats leaving a sinking ship. She bailed on her mother and left two junk vehicles in her driveway, and I can only imagine what the inside of that pigsty looks like.

I'm not dancing yet - but I am certainly tapping my toes.

Sunday night update:

K, the boy that was in the Camaro last week, was there Friday, doing the same. He has been living with his Uncle & going to school in NH. Apparently, his Mom moved to Ohio and left him with her brother. Last I heard, the oldest son was in a psych ward, because he attempted to kill the family & planned on killing himself. I think he just got big enough to fight back (from the physical abuse) and Mom couldn't handle that. The whole crew is a bunch of liars. I know this from first hand experience.

Mom was nice enough to take in her daughter, son-in-law and 2 children - which grew to 5 children over the course of 11 years. There is a 6th grandchild in there somewhere that daughter doesn't have custody of - the luckiest of the bunch, IMHO. That's right, 6 children that I help support via welfare. She had her first at 16. A cycle her 2 daughters will no doubt repeat.

Daughter & son-in-law split, new BF moved in 6 months later. The youngest 3 look more like the new BF than their supposed father. If you do the math, there were 8 people living in a 2 bedroom, 14X72 mobile home. There is a small porch addition that was converted to 2 bedrooms, with storm windows and no heat. When the BF moved in for two months, his 4 children would visit on the weekends. Math = 12!

Grateful daughter moves to Ohio with 3 of her 6 children. Leaves Mom with eviction, 2 junk vehicles in the driveway and all her crappy furniture. Priceless!

Saturday morning Grandma's son and ex son-in-law were at the house. The van was gone. At least there is progress.

I was hoping to come home and find their place empty. No such luck. I am looking forward to more this week.

Psychic Dope Slap

Friday July 21st, I watered the plants in my office, just like any other Friday. I was working at my computer when this plant:


Which used to hang here:



Directly above me, fell right on my head. The hanger broke. I let out a yell that brought everyone in the office running. It was quite the sight. I had mud in my hair & ear. My left shoulder was covered, as well as the front & back of my shirt. There was a pile of mud on my carpet. All I could do was laugh. Cathy cleaned most of it up while I shook out my shirt and cleaned up my chair. I was planning on leaving early anyway, now it wasn't by choice.

This event, in and of itself, would be considered a freak accident.

I got some strange looks walking to my car and filling up at the gas station. I was a mess.

I hopped in the shower when I got home. I had to wash my hair twice to get all the mud out. I was sitting on the shower floor, shaving my legs when, the fingernail brush (you know, the ones that have a brush on one side and a pumice stone on the other) fell off the shelf and on my head. I looked up and said out loud "Whats with dropping all this shit on my head?!" Am I so psychically challenged that whoever is trying to get my attention feels it necessary to dope slap me?

This morning I was working at my PC again when an odd sound caught my attention. I looked up at this picture,


That hung here - over my bulletin board:


The picture dropped an inch onto the top of my bulletin board and proceed to fall forward, directly towards me and my monitor. Instinctively, I jumped up and grabbed the frame before it connected with my monitor. Another shout out brought everyone running again. This picture has hung there for 3 years or so and hasn't been touched since it was put up.

Upon further inspection, we discovered that one of the screws attaching the hanging wire to the frame just pulled right out.

I'm having trouble dismissing these events as coincidences. 

Dancin in the Streets

Things have been fairly quiet with my neighbors, fairly. They rearranged the vehicles in the driveway (Two that are undrivable & one belonging to the brother that doesn't live there). They parked the LOUD Camaro about 12 inches from my house, right under my living room windows.. Kirk (14 year old) likes to start it up and rev the piss out of it while blasting the stereo. Nice.

When I arrived home last night there was a sheriff parked out in front. I noticed some kind of paperwork stuck in the door of their house. Obviously they didn't answer when he knocked.

Dare I hope that he was serving an eviction notice? There is another home in the park that has eviction notices from the court posted on it that is up for sale now. If you get evicted by the court, the sheriff serves you and sets a day & time to move you out. Once that happens you cannot live in the home any longer and you have 120 days to try and sell your home.

Is it really possible that one nightmare could be coming to an end?

I'll dance a jig in the middle of the street the day they go. Maybe even get together with the neighbors and throw a block party.

Angels on the 19th Hole

I've always had a certain fascination with the paranormal & supernatural.

A week after my Grandfather passed away, my Grandmother was woken from her nap by someone grabbing her big toe and tickling her. There was no one there. I believe it was my Grandfather's ghost or spirit, reaching out to let her know that he was OK and still here.

Two years ago, my best friend D's Dad passed away in his sleep, very unexpectedly. Prior to this, the family had made a pact: if one of them passed, they would try and let the living know they were still around by blinking the lights three times. It's happened, more than once. D's sister had the lights on her car blink three times, there was no mechanical or electrical explanation for it, just like the lights inD's house blinking. After his passing, family members (especially Mom) kept finding dimes in the oddest places. D's Dad collected dimes in a jar.

Another friend, S, had a dream about a man from our highschool group, "The Loud Crowd" is what we called ourselves, that was tragically shot and killed in his twenties. In the dream, he told her that not everyone has the ability to communicate with those that have passed.

Then there are the supernatural encounters of Magazine Man, his uncle David and the Brownie. They refer to those that possess the ability to see "haints" as Magnets.

KFarmer has alluded to some of her sixth sense abilities in her blog.

Skeptics chalk up these events as coincidences, imagination or wishful thinking. Because there isn't scientific proof, they don't believe in ghosts or spirits or angels.

We humans are still a very young species. We only use a very small portion of our brain. Perhaps, those that are sensitive to the supernatural are simply the next step in our evolution.

I haven't been lucky enough to experience paranormal events, or, maybe I haven't paid enough attention. I do believe in ghosts, spirits, angels and fairies. I envy Magazine Man, the Brownie and their sensitivity to this phenomenon. I get goosepimples when I read his posts of these events.

Now, to the point of this post.

Dad was in a golf tournament on Monday. He had a good time and, he certainly deserved it. The wife of the player on the right took this picture. I don't know if it was a digital camera or not. She presented each of the players with a copy of the print. When she handed Dad his, she said "Don, you're glowing."




My Dad blushed at that comment. None of the gentlemen he golfed with know he is sick.






Is it a camera malfunction? A problem with the negative? Why is it only around my Dad? It can't just be his light shirt because, there is nothing around the man in the light yellow shirt. Is it possible, the camera captured all the prayers, love, and healing mojo being sent to my Dad?



Dad told me that he kept his eyes open during his first two radiation treatments. On the third, he had his eyes closed. The color of the aura surrounding my father is the exact color of the flashes he saw, when he closed his eyes during subsequent radiation treatments.

Is this simply the result of the camera picking up radiation emanating from my Dad, or is something else going on?

The only edits I did to this scanned photo were cropping, and a bit of lightening to see the facial details. Could it be his aura? Could it be the spirit of my Grandfather, or Dad's Mom, or some other passed relative protecting him?

When I went to pick up a roll of film I took with my 35mm the weekend of the 29th in Maine, there were no prints from it. My camera was functioning properly. I could hear the shutter open and the film advanced with each picture. The negatives looked like there had been no exposures. I had taken various pictures of Julieta on the couch with my Dad and other nature shots. I was looking forward to some cool shots, but I ended up with nothing.

Coincidence?

Dad and I both want to take more pics to investigate this. I'll bring my camera to Maine this weekend.

Mom believes it's his Guardian Angel that appeared in the photo.

I can believe that.


What do you think? 

What's in a Name?

I've received 17 MOJO PICs so far. There are more of you out there, you know who you are. Sharfa84@yahoo.com, please, send me a PIC. The PICs and quotes I have so far are remarkable, from all over the world. You guys rock. Thank you.

There is one problem though, you wonderful folks need a name. Wil Wheaton has his "POSSE". Shane's got "Nickernuts". You deserve a descriptive name that captures your giving spirit, support, loving thoughts and magickal healing mojo.

Any ideas?

Still Here

I've been remiss in my posts.

To give you a quick update:

Monday the 24th I had a mental/emotional meltdown and I ended up taking vacation time last week. I needed time to regroup. I'm working on posts about it. So that's where I've been, and that's why I haven't responded to E-mails.

I want to thank everyone that has sent me pictures. You are a wonderful, creative bunch of folks and I truly appreciate your taking the time & the well wishes. I'm still wading through E-mails from work & Yahoo!, over a thousand total, it's going to take me a couple days to catch up.

KFarmer - I got the stone when I returned to work yesterday. It's unique & beautiful, I've never seen anything like it. I could tell it was special. I told Dad about it last night and dropped it off this morning. You'll be hearing from me soon.

Spent the weekend in Maine with Mom & Dad & son. I pressure washed the deck and, it's a big deck. (No wonder I took a nap yesterday when I got home from work.) Dad's done with the radiation treatments and he starts chemo Friday.

He was more like himself this weekend. I could see the light in his eyes again when he smiled and his laughter filled the air occasionally. He even installed a couple light fixtures.

It was a good weekend for everyone. We all needed a good weekend.

Another Favor to Ask

I know I have asked so much of you already, I'd like to ask a little more. I've told my Dad about all the wonderful people pulling for him in the blogosphere.

I'd like to show him just how many.

I want all of you to send me a PIC of yourself. Even you lurkers out there that have never commented. You don't have to send me names or addresses if you don't want, just a face, cyber id, and a state or country. I'd like to create a poster for my Dad. One of the perks of sharing an office with the IS guy is that I have access to a poster printer.

I want to show him the faces of the complete strangers & longtime friends from all over the world that have been sending him healing thoughts and prayers. Something like that can have a positively powerful impact. It also helps keep me busy and feeling like I'm doing something, no matter how small, to help.

Lurkers, occasional readers, faithful commenter's........

So what do you think? Are you up for it? Puuuullllllleeeeaaaaasssseee! With a cherry on top.

If that's a yes, then please e-mail your PIC, cybername & geographical location to sharfa84@yahoo.com, put MOJO in the subject line (so I can distinguish you all from my freecycle e-mails). Of course I would post a smaller finished version here on my blog.

Thanks.

I hate politics.

I believe the system is corrupt and full of self serving SOB's that have lost sight of what America truly wants. So, I avoid political discussions. I'd rather remain ignorant at times. This is one of those times I can't.

Senate OKs expansion of stem cell research
Vote, 63-37, not enough to override promised presidential veto

Tuesday, July 18, 2006; Posted: 8:39 p.m. EDT (00:39 GMT)

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Senate voted Tuesday after two days of emotional debate to expand federal funding of embryonic stem cell research, sending the measure to President Bush for a promised veto, the first of his presidency.

Bush is a dumb shit. I didn't vote for him. Anyone that did is realizing what an asshat he really is. 70% of Americans (3 out of 4!) are for this research. Bush is going to veto this bill to please his right wing asshat buddies in Texas.

Odds are very good that Bush will lose someone close to him to a disease that Stem Cell Research could help irradicate.

This falls under the third basic law of human stupidity:
A stupid person is a person who causes losses to another person or to a group of persons while himself deriving no gain and even possibly incurring losses.

Dipshit.

Update:

Subject: CNN Breaking News
To: TEXTBREAKINGNEWS@CNNIMAIL12.CNN.COM


-- President Bush issues the first veto of his presidency, rejecting a bill to expand federal research on stem cells obtained from embryos.

Double Dipshit.

Do No Harm

Hippocrates was a Greek physician born in 460 BC on the island of Cos, Greece. He became known as the founder of medicine and was regarded as the greatest physician of his time. He based his medical practice on observations and on the study of the human body. He held the belief that illness had a physical and a rational explanation. He rejected the views of his time that considered illness to be caused by superstitions and by possession of evil spirits and disfavor of the gods.

Hippocrates held the belief that the body must be treated as a whole and not just a series of parts. He accurately described disease symptoms and was the first physician to accurately describe the symptoms of pneumonia, as well as epilepsy in children. He believed in the natural healing process of rest, a good diet, fresh air and cleanliness. He noted that there were individual differences in the severity of disease symptoms and that some individuals were better able to cope with their disease and illness than others. He was also the first physician that held the belief that thoughts, ideas, and feelings come from the brain and not the heart as others of him time believed.

Hippocrates traveled throughout Greece practicing his medicine. He founded a medical school on the island of Cos, Greece and began teaching his ideas. He soon developed an Oath of Medical Ethics for physicians to follow. This Oath is taken by physicians today as they begin their medical practice. He died in 377 BC. Today Hippocrates is known as the "Father of Medicine"

THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH
I swear by Apollo the physician, by Æsculapius, Hygeia, and Panacea, and I take to witness all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgement, the following Oath.

"To consider dear to me as my parents him who taught me this art; to live in common with him and if necessary to share my goods with him; to look upon his children as my own brothers, to teach them this art if they so desire without fee or written promise; to impart to my sons and the sons of the master who taught me and the disciples who have enrolled themselves and have agreed to the rules of the profession, but to these alone the precepts and the instruction. I will prescribe regimen for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgement and never do harm to anyone. To please no one will I prescribe a deadly drug nor give advice which may cause his death. Nor will I give a woman a pessary to procure abortion. But I will preserve the purity of my life and my art. I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest; I will leave this operation to be performed by practitioners, specialists in this art. In every house where I come I will enter only for the good of my patients, keeping myself far from all intentional ill-doing and all seduction and especially from the pleasures of love with women or with men, be they free or slaves. All that may come to my knowledge in the exercise of my profession or in daily commerce with men, which ought not to be spread abroad, I will keep secret and will never reveal. If I keep this oath faithfully, may I enjoy my life and practice my art, respected by all men and in all times; but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the reverse be my lot."

Dad met with the oncologist Tuesday. He will meet with him every Tuesday. He will complete the 10 radiation treatments to his brain and then receive 10 radiation treatments to his lung. (I had thought he was going to receive 30 to his lung.)

They can only do so many treatments to the brain. Radiation kills good cells, as well as cancerous cells, too much could, basically, cook your brain. Dad was surprised they were only going to do 10 treatments to his lung. (Initially, the oncologist only wanted to treat the brain, the pulmonologist pushed for treatments to the lung). He questioned the oncologist about it.

The oncologist responded with: "Well, the horse is already out of the stall".

Yes, he really said that.

How is that for a total mind fuck?

To say something so callous, so casually. Mom re-phrased it as: "We don't want to bother wasting the radiation treatments on you". I usually talk to my parents every day. I didn't hear from them Wednesday, now I know why.

Put yourself in my Dad's situation for a second, how would hearing something like that affect you?

Right.

My Dad was completely devastated, so was Mom. Wednesday was a bad day.

When I heard this, all I could mutter was "Mutherfucker".

I want to track this bastard down, grab him by his scrotum and go total Drunken Booger on his ass. What would Hippocrates think about this numbnuts?

It's assholes like this that enrage me at the unfairness of my Dad getting sick.

My Dad is a good man. He's kind and decent. He's selfless. He would never, ever, say an unkind word or be inconsiderate to anyone. He has risen above every challenge he has faced in his life, with admirable grace and dignity. He takes responsibility for himself and would never even consider blaming someone else for his lot in life. He's conquered his addictions. He's the best Dad in the world. He's the best Grandfather in the world.

So.

Why is he the one whose life will be shortened by Cancer, while this arrogant, selfish, self-centered, insensitive, sociopathic, so called Doctor, who took an oath to do no harm, yet inflicted immeasurable mental and emotional damage to my father, lives in good health?

I totally believe in the mind/body connection. A mental and emotional blow such as this can have devastating consequences on one's health, especially when fighting cancer.

The pulmonologist apologized to my parents for the oncologist's reprehensible behavior. She went on to explain that they want to shrink the tumor in my Dad's lung to relieve symptoms, before they start the Chemo to kill the cancer. They don't like to do radiation and Chemo simultaneously. It's too much for the body to handle.

There were several ways the oncologist could have chosen to explain the course of treatment, he chose the cruelest.

Dad was in much better spirits today. In true SuperDad style, he, once again, has risen above negativity thrown in his path.

I, however, am not so forgiving. Anyone up for a midnight lynching?

Champagne and Strawberries anyone?

Wash Away


I've been laying low this week. The whole family is on an emotional roller coaster. Mom & Dad especially. It takes time to truly comprehend the enormity of it all. I've been moving back and forth through the stages of grieving. I was bargaining with God, I told him I'd give him my firstborn. He just snickered at me (he knows what teenagers are like) and said "And deprive your parents the joy of 'The Mothers Curse'?".

I went and saw my therapist Wed. I hadn't been to see him in over a year. I've known this guy for 16 years now. The ex and I went to him for marriage counseling - way back when. He's a hot ticket. Curses like a longshoreman, doesn't pull punches, and will get in your face if you need it. Every once and a while I go in for a tune up.

I told him, we'll call him "T" that I was having a tough time dealing with this.

In true T fashion he said "How else are you supposed to deal with it? It isn't supposed to be easy".

He did help me to get a better perspective though. My grief could very easily consume me. The despair I feel in my shattering heart for my Father is overwhelming. I have moments when I just dissolve into a mushy pile of slobbering goo. Thoughts of staying as a slobbering pile of goo indefinitely flick through my head. I could unwittingly slip to a very dark place where I never want to go again.

BUT.

I don't want to have regrets. Only now am I grasping just how short life really is.

I need to start living in a way so I don't end up with regrets.

No one knows how much time we have on this Earth. I think I'd like memories filled with laughter, love and good things, not weeping sadness. Daddy is sick, yes, but he isn't dead! Grieving has a time and place, I don't want to look back someday and regret wasting time being miserable over the inevitable. We are all going to die. It could be tomorrow, it could be 50 years from now. It could be from Cancer, it could be by a bus, it could be simply falling asleep and never waking up. Whatever time there is will be best spent living, instead of worrying about dying.

I need to thank each and every one of you that has taken the time to lend support and encouraging words. Thank you for listening to my rants, for being understanding, and for all the magical mojo & prayers you've been sending. You have helped me more than you will ever know.

I want to send a shout out to Ginny (I found out you've been lurking here) and thank you for the very nice compliment.

I have a motto:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO - What a ride!

author unknown

Disclaimer: Just like New England weather, this positive outlook could change at any moment and probably will...many, many, times. Today is a good day, I'm grateful for it.

Weekend

Know the true value of time; snatch, seize and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness…never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.

- Lord Chesterfield

I kept myself very busy this weekend. Visited with a friend I hadn't spoken with in many, many months. Spent Saturday at her home on a lake. It was good.

Sunday I spent the day at Mom and Dad's pressure washing everything in sight for about 4 hours. Had a little cookout. Then I went home showered & went to my friend D's house. Helped her clean up the house, they left for a 10 day trip to Florida.

I wiped myself out so much and had a couple too many cocktails Sunday. I could hardly move Monday morning. I bagged the day and spent it on the couch. Totally spent.

Son called and wanted to reschedule his rescheduled dentist appointment for fillings he needed. Ex called to inform me he wasn't going to sit in the office for hours to get sons cavities filled. Ex called back all pissed off that he had to pay $93 for the dentist visit and he will credit that to the support he doesn't have to pay as well. (Short version of court: Ex gets $150 a week credit towards the $2450 in arrears he owes me for every week he has son for the summer, nice huh?)
Funny - I have never gotten "extra" child support to cover dental costs beyond health coverage, co-payments for health visits or the $500 a year for prescriptions, or the $300 for glasses and eye visits. Dad said "That's the pains of parenthood" I said "Yea, but Ex has never had to deal with the pains of parenthood."

They finally got the staging from the oncologist, stage IV, but we already knew that. He will have 10 radiation treatments to the brain. He will then have 30 radiation treatments to his lung. Once the brain treatments are done (they don't do chemo at the same time they irratiate the brain), he will also start chemo - a course of 40 (I believe) treatments over about 3 or 4 months.
I'd say they are treating my Dad's cancer aggressively, wouldn't you? I know, I'm being sarcastic. That's about all I can muster right now.

Thanks all so much for your well wishes and support. Your prayers and good thoughts mean so much. Dad was surprised to hear that he has fans pulling from him from all over the world. Keep 'em coming please. The road ahead isn't going to be easy. Thank you for letting me lean on your strength. May none of you ever have to go through this in your lives.

The Other Shoe Drops

Like many devoted readers of Somewhere on the Masthead, I was anxiously awaiting the outcome of Magazine Man’s most recent adventure on Thursday morning. I wanted, no, needed to hear some good news. Worrying about someone elses dilemma helps me. It keeps me from hyperfocusing on my Dad’s cancer.

I wept when I read the post of Blaze & MM home, safe and mostly sound. It was the best ending possible, in spite of the injuries. MM achieved what most of us would envision as impossible. I’m in awe of the man’s courage, intelligence, determination and resources. I should have had the same feeling you get when you walk out of the theater after seeing a great movie, when the hero beats impossible odds and saves the day. But, I didn’t. I only felt a feeling of saddness.

It was a couple of hours before anyone else showed up in the office. I was on the verge of tears all morning. When she arrived at work, I talked about it with my best friend, D. We’ve known each other for 25 years now, and she’s very adept at reading me. She figured I missed my kid more than I thought I would. It was logical. I haven’t been away from my son for more than 6 days since he was born, and that was one time. She knows how protective I am. She knows, better than I do, how tightly the apron strings, I so vocally expressed a desire to cut, are wrapped around my heart. For the first time in 16 years, I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I don’t know how to be anything other than a mother anymore. It’s been so long. Dad being sick and the ex getting away with his lies again in court, only added to the emotional overload. It made sense. D’s objective insight is usually right on the money.

Anyone would be emotional, with a week like I’ve had. It’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. I wasn’t at the usual emotional time of my menstrual cycle. Maybe, I was ovulating and that was a contributing factor. Normally, I would feel better in understanding the roots of my emotions, in finding a logical explanation for feeling such an overwhelming sense of sadness. I can usually move beyond the emotion, once I understand the cause. I couldn’t shake this feeling Thursday.

Dad called at 4:05 PM. He said he had some bad news. I knew right then. All I could say was “No”. There was silence as he collected himself. I feel he was trying to keep from crying. “No” was all I could whisper. I didn’t need to hear the words. I didn’t want to hear the words. My heart imploded, as dozens of thoughts crashed in my brain. The dam I had been holding back all day gave way. The tears flowed freely down my cheeks.

Results from the partial MRI, done Saturday, showed that the cancer had metastasized to his brain.

They completed 75% of the MRI before they had to stop. Metal fragments came into view in the area around his eyebrow. If you worked as a forklift mechanic for 53 years, you’d have stray bits of metal imbedded in your body too. Magnetic Resonance Imaging uses powerful magnets, powerful enough to rip out any metal in the body. Even tattoos containing metal inks will be drawn out. Depending on the location, this could be, not only lethal, but very damaging and/or painful. It also distorts the image results.

Dad actually serviced forklifts in a warehouse that constructed MRI machines. He once told me a story about it. The huge magnets are glued together during assembly. The assembly workers were at lunch, when they heard a loud “BANG”, as loud as an explosion. When they investigated the sound in the large warehouse, they found the huge magnets stuck to the ceiling. The magnets were so powerful, they couldn’t remove them.

This memory, along with my researched knowledge of NonSmall Cell Lung Cancer raced through my head. Mom had recently chastised me for too much internet research, when I asked her what kind of NonSmall Cell Lung Cancer Daddy had. I feel that knowledge is power, in this case: ignorance is bliss. No matter your knowledge, anyone can recognize the severity of cancer traveling to the brain.

In less than a heartbeat, I knew. This is stage IV cancer. I had read enough to know what it meant, when lung cancer metastisizes to distant regions such as the liver or brain. I didn't have to wait for staging from the doctor's. Worst case scenario. I mentally kicked myself for letting down my defenses. I thanked my Dad for letting me know and I asked how Mummy was doing. I wanted to appear in control. I didn’t want him to worry about me. I didn’t want to expose my panic to him, even though he already knew, I knew what this meant. Being an RN, my Mom was devastated by this news. I asked Dad how he was. In true, SUPERDAD fashion, he replied: “There’s nothing I can do about it, it is, what it is.” My heart broke into a million pieces.

We hung up. I cried. I shouted my anger at God and the universe. I raged against the unfairness of it all. I couldn’t stop my mind from racing. I thought about the story Dad’s PCP told of a female patient with the same scenario. She lived 7 years before she died. Not from the cancer, but from the side effects of the radiation treatments. Seven years. It’s not enough. He will only be 68. That’s too young.

I tried to maintain routine. I took the dog for a walk. I dropped her back at the house and continued my walk. I was breathless, when the call came on my cell from my son, from my intense pace. I briefly debated whether or not to tell him. I know I am incapable of telling a convincing lie, so I told him the truth. At the initial diagnosis, my son had the best attitude of all: “I’m not worried, if anyone can beat it, Grampa can.” But, even at a naive 16 years of age, he instinctively knew the implications of lung cancer traveling to the brain. “Oh, no”, was all he could whisper. As tears overtook him, he asked if Grampa would be OK. The protective Mother wanted to reassure him, the petrified daughter shared his panic. “I don’t know, I wish I was there to hug you”, was all I could say, as he broke down. My Father has been the only real father figure my son has ever known. He asked if I wanted him to come home this weekend. He wasn’t planned to come home until next weekend. I agreed to his coming home. I told him that I needed his help to move items too heavy for me to lift off our porch, in a lame attempt at normalcy. He was more interested in seeing Grampa, which was fine with me. He wanted to go see Grampa. He said he was going to call Grampa, but called me back a few minutes later. He was too upset to call. I told him that was OK, he could call Grampa when he was more composed.

Daddy called me at 6:42 AM today. I was on my way out the door to work. There was a determination in his voice that was absent last night. It was as if he was calling to reassure me. That is who he is, more worried about everyone else than himself. “I’m not giving up, I’m going to fight”.

“That’s right”. I responded. “You have to be around to see your Great-Grandchildren.”

“I will be.”

He informed me that they’d probably be going to Maine for the weekend. I think that’s a good idea.


Son called at 8 to say that he would be staying with his father. He did call Grampa and found out they’d be going to Maine. I’m being trumped by Sea Bass.

I left work at noon today. Mainly, because I was an emotional wreck and completely useless. I need time to digest and regroup.

I just got off the phone with Mom. Daddy had the first of 10 radiation treatments to his brain today. The entire brain is irradiated during treatment. To get what they can and can't see, they irradiate the entire brain. There are three cancerous areas that show on his brain. He'll have 10 additional radiation treatments to his lung.

This is my vision of hell.

More good news

Bone Scan - negative.
Abdominal Scan - negative.
Head CT tomorrow.

Finally back to work today. I realized by an E-mail that I missed seeing Wil Wheaton here in Boston on Sunday. It was probably the only chance I'll ever have to see him. I am disappointed.

I was at my parents house during Wils reading.

I'll take every good day I get to spend with my parents over anything else now. Time is so precious and there's never enough.

The Power of Prayer and Blogger Mojo

The biopsy has results are in: Nonsmall cell Lung Cancer. Nonsmall cell lung cancer is more common than small cell lung cancer, and it generally grows and spreads more slowly. Results of the bone scan and stomach CT will be in tomorrow. This is good news. Another test on Thursday and they meet with the oncologist Friday. The stage of the cancer will be determined by then. The lower the number, the better the prognosis and chance of a cure.

One small prayer answered, thank you God. Thank you Bloggers, for that positive mojo and healing thoughts. Please pray for early stage and low numbers.

On another note: I got screwed in court. But, that's really not that important right now. I'll fill you in later, on that.

I'd rather focus on the positive at the moment.

Court tomorrow

I think I had mentioned a while back, my ex had asked my son to spend the summer with him. I've been a bit preoccupied to post about it. Ex picked up son a week ago, yes, I've been childless for a week. We've talked on the phone several times. Things seem to be going well, so far. It will be interesting to see what happens after tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to go to court. Ex filed for a modification of custody (no problem) and support (wait till ya hear this one).

First, a little history:
February 2002 - for the first time since our divorce (1994) I filed to increase child support. I never did it previously because I was afraid that ex would take it out on son (It was sons encouragement & choice that I go to court). We suffered much hardship due to this. Over the course of those 8 years, I incurred $22,000 of debt just to get by. I was salaried, once a month and made less than $21,000 a year. I was starting bankruptcy proceedings, when I got my job at MIT in 2001. (I have since paid off every dime of that $22,000 debt). Ex was making over $60,000 a year at this time. The court wanted to increase support to $250.00 per week. I requested that they only increase it to $200 ($75), in the hopes that ex would see that I was being reasonable and just pay it. He figured that since he was paying me more money, I could afford the gas to drop son off & pick him up. He lives 25 minutes away. I felt that it was his responsibility to pick up and drop off his son, if he wanted to see him. I refused to be manipulated, coerced or browbeaten to give into this selfish mans demands anymore. Son lived with me and took care of him 24/7. He didn't see his son for 3 months.

October 2002 - Ex was injured at work and child support was reduced to $150.00 per week.

October 2002 - June 2006
Ex buys a new truck, he and wife take a 3 week vacation, cross country to the Black Hills Sturgis Bike Rally (two Harleys in tow, one worth over $17k). Ex & wife go on vacation to Jamaica. Ex & wife go on vacation to Florida. Ex goes to NASCAR races in southern states. Ex buys new 5th wheel camping trailer. Ex buys new fishing boat. Ex buys truck for $1000 as a Christmas present to son. Ex & wife take 10 day vacation to Florida Keys (January '06). Ex builds new deck and installs new jacuzzi/hottub. Ex falls behind $2,450.00 in child support.

October 2002 - June 2006
Mom pays off $22,000 of bad debt. Mom buys new car for first time in 19 years (because '91 Plymouth Acclaim became too dangerous to drive). Mom takes son on first vacation (that she paid for) since 1994 (a 3 day camping trip to western Massachusetts and 1 day a Six Flags amusement park). Roof leak causes electricity to go out in one wall of home, ceiling fan, home alarm, lights and outlets fail in an entire wall of home - Mom cannot afford to pay for repairs.

June 2006 - Ex files papers with court for temporary (summer = 8 weeks) custody of son and requests not only, to not pay child support, but that I pay him $150.00 a week support. (Keep in mind that I pay $92.00 a week family coverage for medical/dental insurance for me & my son and that ex owes $2,450.00 in back support). Not only did he file these papers, he hand delivered them to me, instead of having me served by a sheriff. He claims that he has no finances and he can't afford the cost of having me served. Also, our son is staying with him for the summer to work construction, framing houses (both being paid under the table, of course). Ex is claiming he's indigent. Ex is trying to get Federal Disability from Social Security.

Pause, for laughter, and chins being picked up off the floor.

One thing you have to understand, my ex thinks that I use the child support money he pays for my own entertainment. He thinks I use it as party money. (Little does he know, I haven't gone out partying in years.) When we got divorced, he told me that if I ever tried to increase the amount he paid for child support he would quit his job and work under the table and I would get nothing, because he would be making nothing (on the books). He doesn't have a clue what it costs to raise a child. He doesn't care what it costs. He hates having to give me any money. This is part of the reason why I am allowing our son to stay with him for the summer. I feel that son is old enough now to deal with his father. I want both father and son to get a reality check. Son to see that it ain't so bad with Mom. Father to see, not only, what it's really like being a parent, but also how expensive it is to raise a teenager. This child goes through a gallon of milk in two days and does a load of laundry a day. My grocery bill was $150 a week and my electic $40.

What do you think the court will decide?

My main concern with all of this is that ex will change his mind about son staying with him for the summer, when things don't go his way. Then I'll be screwed. This child cannot be home alone for 10 hours a day. I was scouting summer camps and jobs at the end of March, when ex asked son to live with him for the summer. I want the court to make ex honor his commitment. To top things off, ex mentioned that he has plans for one weekend during the summer (he couldn't recall the dates) and son couldn't stay with him at that time. This just pissed me off. Ex has been "visiting" his son every 3 to 6 weeks for the last two years. There is no set schedule. When son wants to see father and father has plans, too bad. If I want to make plans, or have something special I'd like to attend, ex always has plans for that weekend and cannot take son. So, I end up staying home. Don't get me wrong, I feel it's my job as a parent. My responsiblity is to do the right thing for my son and be a good parent. If I miss out on something I'd like to do, oh well, I made that decision when I decided to become a mother. Ex has never been inconvenienced, or cancelled plans for his son.

The court will not even address ex's modification until he pays child support arrears. He could be thrown in jail for contempt of a support order, until he pays arrears. When the court hears what ex can afford in the way of purchases and vacations, they very well could retroactively increase support.

I'm sure there will be fireworks tomorrow, just not the 4th of July kind. I will be blamed for whatever the outcome, even though ex is the one that filed for this court appearance.