This post is a bit raw. It's disjointed and more a stream of consciousness than anything. I've been avoiding posting about Dad's Cancer, because I've been avoiding thinking or feeling about it. You can only do that for so long before it smacks you in the face again. That happened yesterday afternoon. It's almost like I can only keep the emotions contained for so long before they swell up and need to be released. That being said, here's a Dad update.
Dad has a CT scan scheduled for today. Yesterday, He told me how he is anxious to see the results. I told him that I'd be thinking good thoughts and praying for positive news. I know there will be good results. I am willing good results. I want to know, I don't want to know. Dealing with this is such a rollercoaster of emotion.
I am in awe of my parents strength and love. October will bring their 43rd Wedding Anniversary. They have always been a team. Life has thrown all kinds of crap their way, this being the biggest steaming pile of shit anyone could step in. They are handling this with more courage and calm than I could ever imagine. I wish I could find a love like theirs someday.
Dad opened his Social Security statement from the daily mail. He told me he would receive the same benefit, if he took disability now or retired at 66. He kind of shrugged and said he's going to do that, apply for disability now. He said it so matter-of-factly, casually.
This simple statement struck me on many levels. Does he think he won't see 66? No. He said he was going to fight. But. Fighting doesn't necessarily mean winning. As always, Dad's being realistic, sensible. I cannot accept that reality. To me, there is no being sensible under these circumstances. The only acceptable option is beating it. Cancer does many unpredictable things: it goes into remission, it disappears. I know Dad believes this.
When we first got the diagnosis, my parents planned to sell the place in Maine. Dad didn't want to leave Mom with the burden of a second home. The last time I was in Maine, Dad made a comment to me & my brother about "Maybe we won't sell it at all". The look in his eye told me, he was thinking they wouldn't have to, that he would beat this.
Maybe, it's just because he's feeling so tired from the Chemo. The treatment that's wiping out the Cancer is also wearing down his spirit. Radiation and Chemo take an expensive toll on the healthy part of the body while killing off the cancerous cells.
I told Dad to go for it, as far as Social Security goes. Take the benefits. He's worked so hard for so long. They both have. I am not saying that to encourage enjoying the time his has left, like it's a limited time. My parents deserve to retire to Florida, play lots of golf and have their children visit often. (What do you think that spare bedroom would be for anyway?)
This isn't just a kick in the balls you defeatingly accept. I told him to go for it as a "Fuck You Cancer", I am going to beat your ass and live!
Posted by Sharfa ::
10:03 PM ::
I was walking Julieta, in her spiffy new handmade raincoat last night (pictures to come), when I saw a leaf in the street. At least, I thought it was a leaf, until it moved. It was actually this little guy:
So newly hatched, he still had his egg tooth & yolk sac attached to his underside & his shell is still soft. I brought the little fella home and put him in some water and called my son. Every year we find Sun Turtles laying eggs in our yard. He's taken to marking them in permanent ink with the date to see if they come back each year.
Two years ago he caught this nasty looking fella:
Isn't that a face only a mother could love? He must have weighed in at 15 pounds, and had the nasty disposition Snapping Turtles are known for. They hiss and open up that ominous beak just daring you to get too close. You risk losing fingers if you do. They are extremely quick when they attack. It's how they hunt for food. They lie in wait, completely still and snatch their prey with speed only visible by slow motion camera. Though you can't tell from this picture - they can extend their necks halfway down their backs. They should only be picked up by their hind ends, hands safely away from their steel trap jaw.
The hatchling was much more docile, almost tame. He curled up his little tail and tried to pull inside his shell. Wouldn't you, if you were picked up by a giant 30 minutes after you hatched?
My son has visions of a new pet and wants me to set up a habitat for it. Although, it may be cute now, Snapping Turtles grow very quickly. The last thing we need is another reptile. We already have an Albino Corn Snake and a Leopard Gecko , add to that: two cats, a bird and the dog....Well, you get the picture.
He's waited for years in the hopes of catching a hatchling. I couldn't let this guy go without letting son see him first. He comes home Friday. We'll release it in the pond before son starts school next week. I'll bring the camera, maybe we can get some pics of the Swans with six babies that are on the pond too.
In the meantime, I have to go dig up some worms and buy some crickets to feed him.
Posted by Sharfa ::
8:39 PM ::
The crows and bluejays were causing a ruckus, cawing and squawking. It was springtime in Maine and something was upsetting them. Upon investigation, Dad found this little guy:
I love this picture. Yes - those are my Dad's gentle hands.
How freakin cute is that? It's a fledgling Northern Saw-Whet Owl. The poor thing hadn't mastered flying just yet and was huddled at the base of a tree. Maybe Mom just got fed up and pushed him from the nest before he was ready to fly. Can't say I'd blame her - I have those thoughts all the time. The babe did try to fly and ended up in the lake - needing rescue. He never tried to attack or bite - was very docile.
(Got any witty captions for this photo?)
One of the neighbors took the owl to a local game preserve. It was probably released a short time later. It's very rare to see a Saw-Whet owl, I wish I was there.
Posted by Sharfa ::
9:59 AM ::
Magazine Man posted an entertaining story about being lunchmeat for a spider. Various commenters have told of their own experiences with spider bites.
Unfortunately, I've had some experience as well. I never saw the attacker. It was a drive by biting. Two punctures close together on my neck. Unlike MM, I had no physical symptoms. What was both interesting and gross though, was how the skin necrotized from the poison. The wound ended up being more than 1/4 deep and I am left with this scar:
Here's a closer look:
This happened 3 years ago. My advice to you is: Be wary of spiders, especially the ones you don't see.
Posted by Sharfa ::
8:45 AM ::
Pardon my lack of posts the last week. I haven't really had anything interesting to say, I'm still working on a 2 or 3 part post, it's just emotionally wrenching to get through.
Son was home this weekend and spent about 5 minutes with me. He comes home for good in two weeks. He'd better come home with an improved attitude. He was not at all pleasant t0 be around this weekend. I cannot believe he is a junior this year. I am getting old.
Any money he made over the summer (very little) he spent on a new Boost Mobile cell phone. The big plans of working all summer with his father never really happened (like so many of ex's promises.) Son was supposed to be saving for car insurance so he can register his truck. He thinks he's so smart. He informed me that he can't get a job without his truck. I laughed. I felt very old and cliche` when I informed him: "When I was your age, I road my bike 4 miles to and from my after school job." (Uphill, both ways, in blizzards). He'll just have to do the same or, get a job near a school bus drop off point and I can pick him up after work. His normal teen tendency towards instant satisfaction is exacerbated by his ADHD. He's certainly old enough to learn some patience and how to save money if he wants something. At this rate though - he'll be walking until he's 30.
The summer is almost over and, I am sad. It was much easier to adjust to being alone than I though it would be. Kind of nice actually. The house stays clean. I do two loads of laundry a week instead of one a day. I run the dishwasher once every 10 days instead of 2 or 3. My grocery bill is 1/3 of what it is when he is home, ditto with the electric bill. I have only been home two of the last 8 weekends. Having a life is kinda nice. Already, I can't wait for next summer.
One comment son did make this weekend brought me some satisfaction though. He begged me on Friday to buy some of his favorite junk food for snacks. He complained that he gets no snacks and only kool aid to drink at Dad's. (Maybe Mom isn't the Wicked Witch after all). I granted his request with the stipulation that this is a one time deal, when he moves back home he will have whole foods to snack on - no more, sugar filled, empty calorie, expensive cakes, cookies or preprocessed crap. He's going to have to learn to live without Doritos and Hostess and God forbid, - eat more fruit!
While I have learned to enjoy some freedom for the first time in several years, I hope my son & ex have learned a bit too. Ex: that it isn't so easy being an actual parent of a teenager. Son: that it really isn't so bad living with Mom and he actually has it pretty damn good with me. We will see how quickly the memories fade once school starts.
Here's to one last weekend of FREEDOM.
Posted by Sharfa ::
8:54 AM ::
Duh. I think the spiritual part is pretty obvious. Quiet is good. Especially outside, listing to the wind blow through the trees or wind chimes.
Sometimes I give too much. I definitely hang on too long, years too long in my marriage and again in 2 subsequent relationships . I want to make sure I give something all I've got - I need to learn to distinguish the line where that becomes too much.
If the purpose of my life is showing love to other people, then God decided to test me when he gave me my son.
If I can have the same aura as Angelina Jolie, why the hell can't I have the same bod?
"The meaning of life is not the absence of pain and suffering. The motivation to move forward is not about having no obstacles or easy solutions. Nothing in life is ever easy. That’s the point. It’s about struggling. It’s about the upward climb. The destination though important is NOT the only reason to wake up in the morning. The journey, the sweat and blood spilled upon our face that is also important too. As a mother, I have failed my children because I could not teach them the things that was important and for that I regret deeply. But that is water under the bridge and is my own cross to bear. You and your sister though are the new generation. You will need to understand that hardship will come. You are all so beautiful and life is full of potential. Don't let the illusion of imperfection delude your eyes, things are exactly the way they should be and the Lord guides us with it."
1. Mojunkies 2. Mojo Junkies 3. Mojo Monkees 4. Sharfa's Angels 5. Sharfanauts 6. Sharfa's Chakra 7. Sharfa's Space Cadets (Sharfa's: Where you too, can be a Space Cadet.) 8. Sharfa & Her Mojo Gang 9. Mojo Company Inc 10. Mystical Magickal Mojo Mob (or the 4 M's) 11. Magick Mojo Monkees (3 M's, we could even borrow the Monkees theme song) 12. Sharfanatics 13. Sharfans
Let me know which you like best. My top two are: Sharfa's Space Cadets and Magick Mojo Monkees.
What's your favorite? Or rather, What would you like to be called?
Posted by Sharfa ::
6:58 AM ::
I need to tweak it some more, edit links etc.... I am an HTML novice and still practically illiterate with it, I can't even figure out how to get the nav bar back up the top. I like having the search option. Am I missing an obvious solution?
At least I've moved a smidge beyond the cookie cutter template. Someday I'll be able to custom design my own, yea, right, uhuh.......pigs will be flying then too.
At least this template is more "me" - thanks Caz! And yes, the lady in the picture looks just like me..............oh look, a flying pig!
Posted by Sharfa ::
1:45 PM ::
I took some PICs in Maine this weekend. This is Dad. He got a buzz cut 'cause he was losing his hair from the radiation treatments. He started chemo Friday, so it's only a matter of time before he loses the velcro head.
Julieta didn't mind being scratched by my nephew.
OK, now, this is my other nephew doing somersaults over the back of the couch. Notice anything?
Is it my imagination, or is that the same hazy blue glow that appeared around my Dad? Another funky exposure? Did it show up because the flash didn't go off & the camera picked up the blue slipcover? Why is it only around my nephew's head where he was landing?
I took this PIC seconds after the previous one.
I need to finish off the roll in my 35mm camera to develope those and see if anything showed up there.
My girlfriend J studied auras. She believes the blue glow around my Dad was his aura. A blue aura denotes happiness, health and a good person you'd like to get to know. (Vs. a red aura being someone you should stay away from).
When it's 106 degrees out, like it was earlier this week, it's good to stretch out in front of the fan that blows the cool air conditioned air on you. (Yes, she always uses a pillow & yes, she loves laying in front of a fan).
But, when you're waiting for Mom to get home, the best seat in the house is by the window that views the street. (How does she curl that long frame into such a small space?
This is her guilty look. She knows that's Mom's chair.
I was speaking with neighbor last night while walking the dog. She told me that the children and the daughter from next door moved to Ohio with the new boyfriend.
I did a double take.
This must have happened while I was in Maine cause one of the boys was starting up the Camaro, revving it and playing the stereo loudly (directly beneath my living room windows) just last Thursday. No wonder it has been so quiet this week.
Like the rats leaving a sinking ship. She bailed on her mother and left two junk vehicles in her driveway, and I can only imagine what the inside of that pigsty looks like.
I'm not dancing yet - but I am certainly tapping my toes.
Sunday night update:
K, the boy that was in the Camaro last week, was there Friday, doing the same. He has been living with his Uncle & going to school in NH. Apparently, his Mom moved to Ohio and left him with her brother. Last I heard, the oldest son was in a psych ward, because he attempted to kill the family & planned on killing himself. I think he just got big enough to fight back (from the physical abuse) and Mom couldn't handle that. The whole crew is a bunch of liars. I know this from first hand experience.
Mom was nice enough to take in her daughter, son-in-law and 2 children - which grew to 5 children over the course of 11 years. There is a 6th grandchild in there somewhere that daughter doesn't have custody of - the luckiest of the bunch, IMHO. That's right, 6 children that I help support via welfare. She had her first at 16. A cycle her 2 daughters will no doubt repeat.
Daughter & son-in-law split, new BF moved in 6 months later. The youngest 3 look more like the new BF than their supposed father. If you do the math, there were 8 people living in a 2 bedroom, 14X72 mobile home. There is a small porch addition that was converted to 2 bedrooms, with storm windows and no heat. When the BF moved in for two months, his 4 children would visit on the weekends. Math = 12!
Grateful daughter moves to Ohio with 3 of her 6 children. Leaves Mom with eviction, 2 junk vehicles in the driveway and all her crappy furniture. Priceless!
Saturday morning Grandma's son and ex son-in-law were at the house. The van was gone. At least there is progress.
I was hoping to come home and find their place empty. No such luck. I am looking forward to more this week.
Posted by Sharfa ::
1:29 PM ::
Friday July 21st, I watered the plants in my office, just like any other Friday. I was working at my computer when this plant:
Which used to hang here:
Directly above me, fell right on my head. The hanger broke. I let out a yell that brought everyone in the office running. It was quite the sight. I had mud in my hair & ear. My left shoulder was covered, as well as the front & back of my shirt. There was a pile of mud on my carpet. All I could do was laugh. Cathy cleaned most of it up while I shook out my shirt and cleaned up my chair. I was planning on leaving early anyway, now it wasn't by choice.
This event, in and of itself, would be considered a freak accident.
I got some strange looks walking to my car and filling up at the gas station. I was a mess.
I hopped in the shower when I got home. I had to wash my hair twice to get all the mud out. I was sitting on the shower floor, shaving my legs when, the fingernail brush (you know, the ones that have a brush on one side and a pumice stone on the other) fell off the shelf and on my head. I looked up and said out loud "Whats with dropping all this shit on my head?!" Am I so psychically challenged that whoever is trying to get my attention feels it necessary to dope slap me?
This morning I was working at my PC again when an odd sound caught my attention. I looked up at this picture,
That hung here - over my bulletin board:
The picture dropped an inch onto the top of my bulletin board and proceed to fall forward, directly towards me and my monitor. Instinctively, I jumped up and grabbed the frame before it connected with my monitor. Another shout out brought everyone running again. This picture has hung there for 3 years or so and hasn't been touched since it was put up.
Upon further inspection, we discovered that one of the screws attaching the hanging wire to the frame just pulled right out.
I'm having trouble dismissing these events as coincidences.
Posted by Sharfa ::
10:28 AM ::
Things have been fairly quiet with my neighbors, fairly. They rearranged the vehicles in the driveway (Two that are undrivable & one belonging to the brother that doesn't live there). They parked the LOUD Camaro about 12 inches from my house, right under my living room windows.. Kirk (14 year old) likes to start it up and rev the piss out of it while blasting the stereo. Nice.
When I arrived home last night there was a sheriff parked out in front. I noticed some kind of paperwork stuck in the door of their house. Obviously they didn't answer when he knocked.
Dare I hope that he was serving an eviction notice? There is another home in the park that has eviction notices from the court posted on it that is up for sale now. If you get evicted by the court, the sheriff serves you and sets a day & time to move you out. Once that happens you cannot live in the home any longer and you have 120 days to try and sell your home.
Is it really possible that one nightmare could be coming to an end?
I'll dance a jig in the middle of the street the day they go. Maybe even get together with the neighbors and throw a block party.
Posted by Sharfa ::
7:59 AM ::
I've always had a certain fascination with the paranormal & supernatural.
A week after my Grandfather passed away, my Grandmother was woken from her nap by someone grabbing her big toe and tickling her. There was no one there. I believe it was my Grandfather's ghost or spirit, reaching out to let her know that he was OK and still here.
Two years ago, my best friend D's Dad passed away in his sleep, very unexpectedly. Prior to this, the family had made a pact: if one of them passed, they would try and let the living know they were still around by blinking the lights three times. It's happened, more than once. D's sister had the lights on her car blink three times, there was no mechanical or electrical explanation for it, just like the lights inD's house blinking. After his passing, family members (especially Mom) kept finding dimes in the oddest places. D's Dad collected dimes in a jar.
Another friend, S, had a dream about a man from our highschool group, "The Loud Crowd" is what we called ourselves, that was tragically shot and killed in his twenties. In the dream, he told her that not everyone has the ability to communicate with those that have passed.
Then there are the supernatural encounters of Magazine Man, his uncle David and the Brownie. They refer to those that possess the ability to see "haints" as Magnets.
KFarmer has alluded to some of her sixth sense abilities in her blog.
Skeptics chalk up these events as coincidences, imagination or wishful thinking. Because there isn't scientific proof, they don't believe in ghosts or spirits or angels.
We humans are still a very young species. We only use a very small portion of our brain. Perhaps, those that are sensitive to the supernatural are simply the next step in our evolution.
I haven't been lucky enough to experience paranormal events, or, maybe I haven't paid enough attention. I do believe in ghosts, spirits, angels and fairies. I envy Magazine Man, the Brownie and their sensitivity to this phenomenon. I get goosepimples when I read his posts of these events.
Now, to the point of this post.
Dad was in a golf tournament on Monday. He had a good time and, he certainly deserved it. The wife of the player on the right took this picture. I don't know if it was a digital camera or not. She presented each of the players with a copy of the print. When she handed Dad his, she said "Don, you're glowing."
My Dad blushed at that comment. None of the gentlemen he golfed with know he is sick.
Is it a camera malfunction? A problem with the negative? Why is it only around my Dad? It can't just be his light shirt because, there is nothing around the man in the light yellow shirt. Is it possible, the camera captured all the prayers, love, and healing mojo being sent to my Dad?
Dad told me that he kept his eyes open during his first two radiation treatments. On the third, he had his eyes closed. The color of the aura surrounding my father is the exact color of the flashes he saw, when he closed his eyes during subsequent radiation treatments.
Is this simply the result of the camera picking up radiation emanating from my Dad, or is something else going on?
The only edits I did to this scanned photo were cropping, and a bit of lightening to see the facial details. Could it be his aura? Could it be the spirit of my Grandfather, or Dad's Mom, or some other passed relative protecting him?
When I went to pick up a roll of film I took with my 35mm the weekend of the 29th in Maine, there were no prints from it. My camera was functioning properly. I could hear the shutter open and the film advanced with each picture. The negatives looked like there had been no exposures. I had taken various pictures of Julieta on the couch with my Dad and other nature shots. I was looking forward to some cool shots, but I ended up with nothing.
Dad and I both want to take more pics to investigate this. I'll bring my camera to Maine this weekend.
Mom believes it's his Guardian Angel that appeared in the photo.
I can believe that.
What do you think?
Posted by Sharfa ::
6:49 PM ::
I've received 17 MOJO PICs so far. There are more of you out there, you know who you are. Sharfa84@yahoo.com, please, send me a PIC. The PICs and quotes I have so far are remarkable, from all over the world. You guys rock. Thank you.
There is one problem though, you wonderful folks need a name. Wil Wheaton has his "POSSE". Shane's got "Nickernuts". You deserve a descriptive name that captures your giving spirit, support, loving thoughts and magickal healing mojo.
Posted by Sharfa ::
9:10 PM ::
Monday the 24th I had a mental/emotional meltdown and I ended up taking vacation time last week. I needed time to regroup. I'm working on posts about it. So that's where I've been, and that's why I haven't responded to E-mails.
I want to thank everyone that has sent me pictures. You are a wonderful, creative bunch of folks and I truly appreciate your taking the time & the well wishes. I'm still wading through E-mails from work & Yahoo!, over a thousand total, it's going to take me a couple days to catch up.
KFarmer - I got the stone when I returned to work yesterday. It's unique & beautiful, I've never seen anything like it. I could tell it was special. I told Dad about it last night and dropped it off this morning. You'll be hearing from me soon.
Spent the weekend in Maine with Mom & Dad & son. I pressure washed the deck and, it's a big deck. (No wonder I took a nap yesterday when I got home from work.) Dad's done with the radiation treatments and he starts chemo Friday.
He was more like himself this weekend. I could see the light in his eyes again when he smiled and his laughter filled the air occasionally. He even installed a couple light fixtures.
It was a good weekend for everyone. We all needed a good weekend.
Posted by Sharfa ::
6:55 AM ::