I was helping Superdad move furniture back into my Grandmother's apartment tonight. The replacement carpet (from the flood damage) has finally been laid. I worry that he's trying to do too much. Superdad is always busy doing something. Yardwork, gardening, fixing this, that, or the other thing, finish work on the house in Maine - he's like the Energizer Bunny. He just keeps going & going....
I know he wants to try and maintain some sense of normalcy. I know that he wants to keep busy to avoid thinking about it. I know that keeping busy means physically doing things for him. I know that any physical exhertion causes him to feel the affects of the disease invading his body. I know that, that, scares the hell out of both of us. To hear him get winded so easily. To hear that horrid wheezing. Watching the effort it takes to get air in and out of his lungs almost paralyzed me with sorrow.
It took everything I had to maintain an appearance of calm. I was on the verge of tears, from fear and anger. I vaguely heard him say something about getting winded so easily, as terrifying thoughts were racing through my mind. I was surprised at the calm in my voice when I responded, "It really bothers me to hear you breathing like that". What kind of stupid comment was that? "It bothers me?" Like he has any control over it? If it "bothers" me, how the hell do I think he feels about it? I could have cut out my tongue as soon as I said the words. I was really thinking: Daddy, it scares the living shit out of me to hear you breathing like that. I don't want you to be sick. I want this all to go away.
But you know something? It occurs to me as I reread what I just typed, he knows what I meant. He's my Dad and he knows me better than anyone else, besides my Mom. He has this sixth sense about him, he always has. I once made a comment to my brother, "All Daddy has to do, is look at you and he knows everything". He's the reason why I cannot lie. I get all flustered and beet red if I try and lie. It doesn't matter if it's a big lie or a white lie. So I just don't do it. It's not worth it. He has instilled a sense of honesty in me, like any good Superdad would. I wish I had inherited that sixth sense. I have a hard time telling if my son is lying to me.
I know, I digress, but it's my stream of consciousness and I'm not doing drafts of this post. I'm not checking myself. Right now, this is my haven to spill my guts, to vent. Grammar doesn't count. Spelling doesn't count (screw spellcheck). My readers (I have readers!), have been so wonderful and supportive, I think that you will be understanding and forgiving of "Sharfa in the raw", and it could get pretty raw. I've been guarded since I started blogging. I'm sure most bloggers are. Some bloggers want to be careful, just in the off chance that someone might connect what you blog with who you really are. You could get fired from your job, or piss off family & friends. Perhaps, I'm feeling the lifechanging affects of having a family member with cancer. (Most likely). Whatever the cause, it doesn't matter. A good friend said it best, in a recent E-mail: "No point in steering now". (Bonus points if you know where the quote is from). I could lose my father to cancer. That changes your perspective on what really matters. That said, I blog nothing to intentionally offend or cause anyone any kind of hurt or harm. That's my disclaimer for any and all possible future posts.
Dad showed me the pictures from his bronchosopy. His left lung, with spacious passageways and healthy pink tissue. His right lung, with almost swollen closed passageways and portions of red, raw tissue. It was difficult for me to discern the enemy. It was hidden beneath the swollen lining of his lung, closing off the flow of oxygen. I don't know what I was expecting to see, but I wanted something more tangible to my eyes. Something I could lock onto and direct my anger at. I wanted to see the 6 cm. tumor as an invading mass, something that could be removed in one easy operation, and my Dad would be healthy again.
I left my parents home, with a promise from my Dad to call me when he needed anything requiring any physical effort done. I'll go down tomorrow and mow the lawn.
I cried all the way home.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Friday, June 30, 2006
Good News, Bad News
It has not spread beyond his lung and the lymph nodes in his chest.
That is music to my ears.
Having the lymph nodes affected is bad, but at least it hasn't gotten to his liver (typical with lung cancer).
Dad said they took pictures. One of his healthy lung and one of the affected lung and the tumor.
I asked "What's it look like, A big scary monster?"
He said "Yea".
"Well, let's kill the fucker".
"Yea".
That is music to my ears.
Having the lymph nodes affected is bad, but at least it hasn't gotten to his liver (typical with lung cancer).
Dad said they took pictures. One of his healthy lung and one of the affected lung and the tumor.
I asked "What's it look like, A big scary monster?"
He said "Yea".
"Well, let's kill the fucker".
"Yea".
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
How does that happen??????
They didn't get enough of a tissue sample from the needle aspiration biopsy that partially collapsed my Dad's lung.
He goes for a bronchoscopy tomorrow.
Then there is still the head CT and a bone scan to be done.
He goes for a bronchoscopy tomorrow.
Then there is still the head CT and a bone scan to be done.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
The Big Bad
OK. I promised to share.
My Dad has lung cancer.
That's not why I did the Father's Day post, I had been planning on writing him a letter before the bad news. Mom said - do it anyway, so I did.
The CAT scan showed a 6 cm tumor, anyone familiar with tumors knows this is huge. The CAT scan also showed that the lymph nodes are involved.
He had the biopsy yesterday. Results on Wed. He suffered a partially collapsed lung from the biopsy. God bless him - he wanted to vaccuum the newly installed carpet in my Grandmothers downstairs Apt., Mom put a stop to that.
PET scan today (that's when they inject the radioactive dye to see how far the SOB has spread).
He'll also have a bone scan and a head CT done.
He'll be starting radiation & chemo ASAP.
I wasn't shittin around when I said it's bad. Anyone that's read some of my Superdad posts knows I'm a Daddy's girl. This is just breaking my heart.
That's all for now.
My Dad has lung cancer.
That's not why I did the Father's Day post, I had been planning on writing him a letter before the bad news. Mom said - do it anyway, so I did.
The CAT scan showed a 6 cm tumor, anyone familiar with tumors knows this is huge. The CAT scan also showed that the lymph nodes are involved.
He had the biopsy yesterday. Results on Wed. He suffered a partially collapsed lung from the biopsy. God bless him - he wanted to vaccuum the newly installed carpet in my Grandmothers downstairs Apt., Mom put a stop to that.
PET scan today (that's when they inject the radioactive dye to see how far the SOB has spread).
He'll also have a bone scan and a head CT done.
He'll be starting radiation & chemo ASAP.
I wasn't shittin around when I said it's bad. Anyone that's read some of my Superdad posts knows I'm a Daddy's girl. This is just breaking my heart.
That's all for now.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
This just keeps getting better and better
No news on the Big Bad yet. I'm holding it together, barely.
I had scheduled an appointment for today to have my remote start installed on my car (Christmas present from Mom & Dad). I know what you're thinking, Christmas was 6 months ago. I've already admitted I'm a procrastinator, so get off my back. The shop called me last night and rescheduled cause one of the guys is out sick with the flu.
Son is sick, he's been sick for a couple weeks. Last week it got bad enough to go to the Dr's. The throat culture was negative and the Doc wanted me to give him pseuphedrine to try and dry him up. His nasal congestion has improved, but now it's moved into his chest. I made him stick out the day at school yesterday - he only has until Friday, then schools out. Last night he woke up around midnight - coughing up a storm. He took a cold pill and promptly vomited it up from coughing so much. He was finally able to get back to sleep, after I gave him some NyQuil. First thing he said upon waking up was that he wanted to stay home sick from school. He looks like he got hit by a truck and I've got the guilts for making him go to school sick - so I acquiesced. We'll hit the Dr's again today, hopefully for some antibiotics.
I left work early Thursday to pick him up from school, took Friday off to stay home with him, and now I have to take another day today.
I want a do over. I want the last two weeks to be completely erased.
Life really sucks right now.
I had scheduled an appointment for today to have my remote start installed on my car (Christmas present from Mom & Dad). I know what you're thinking, Christmas was 6 months ago. I've already admitted I'm a procrastinator, so get off my back. The shop called me last night and rescheduled cause one of the guys is out sick with the flu.
Son is sick, he's been sick for a couple weeks. Last week it got bad enough to go to the Dr's. The throat culture was negative and the Doc wanted me to give him pseuphedrine to try and dry him up. His nasal congestion has improved, but now it's moved into his chest. I made him stick out the day at school yesterday - he only has until Friday, then schools out. Last night he woke up around midnight - coughing up a storm. He took a cold pill and promptly vomited it up from coughing so much. He was finally able to get back to sleep, after I gave him some NyQuil. First thing he said upon waking up was that he wanted to stay home sick from school. He looks like he got hit by a truck and I've got the guilts for making him go to school sick - so I acquiesced. We'll hit the Dr's again today, hopefully for some antibiotics.
I left work early Thursday to pick him up from school, took Friday off to stay home with him, and now I have to take another day today.
I want a do over. I want the last two weeks to be completely erased.
Life really sucks right now.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Daddy's Day
Today is that special day set aside to honor our Father's.
When we are young, we often times take them for granted. It's only as we reach adulthood and have children of our own that we appreciate what our Fathers truly mean to us. Sometimes life gets so hectic and consuming that we forget to tell Dad how much we love him and how important he is to us. Take the time today to think about what your Father means to you, then tell him. Call him, go see him, hug him.
I'm a "Daddy's Girl".
He is my rock. He is alway there when I need him, no matter how big or small the problem.
He is the kindest, most patient giving person I have ever known. He can fix anything. At the darkest times in my life, he always made me feel better. He has always shown me the brighter side. He's an optimist.
He has a wicked sense of humor and a laugh that warms my heart.
He instinctively knows when to give advice and when to let me find my own path.
He never judges.
I never want to disappoint my Dad. Not because he would disapprove or be upset with me, but because of the look in his eyes that he failed me somehow.
He works hard and is always working.
When I was younger, I thought I was so smart and I knew more than he did. The older I get, the less I know. I regret not listening to him when I was young and foolish.
He is the best Grandpa that ever lived, hands down.
He always has time for me, no matter what.
He is smart, and wise. He puts everyone elses needs before his own.
He is SUPERDAD.
When I grow up, I want to be just like him.
I love you Daddy.
Love,
Michelle
When we are young, we often times take them for granted. It's only as we reach adulthood and have children of our own that we appreciate what our Fathers truly mean to us. Sometimes life gets so hectic and consuming that we forget to tell Dad how much we love him and how important he is to us. Take the time today to think about what your Father means to you, then tell him. Call him, go see him, hug him.
I'm a "Daddy's Girl".
He is my rock. He is alway there when I need him, no matter how big or small the problem.
He is the kindest, most patient giving person I have ever known. He can fix anything. At the darkest times in my life, he always made me feel better. He has always shown me the brighter side. He's an optimist.
He has a wicked sense of humor and a laugh that warms my heart.
He instinctively knows when to give advice and when to let me find my own path.
He never judges.
I never want to disappoint my Dad. Not because he would disapprove or be upset with me, but because of the look in his eyes that he failed me somehow.
He works hard and is always working.
When I was younger, I thought I was so smart and I knew more than he did. The older I get, the less I know. I regret not listening to him when I was young and foolish.
He is the best Grandpa that ever lived, hands down.
He always has time for me, no matter what.
He is smart, and wise. He puts everyone elses needs before his own.
He is SUPERDAD.
When I grow up, I want to be just like him.
I love you Daddy.
Love,
Michelle
Friday, June 16, 2006
Coping is not an option
Ever get some news that completely alters your reality?
The kind of news that shakes the very fiber of your being.
The kind of news that makes all your major problems seem so petty.
The kind of news that makes you want to curl into a fetal position in a dark corner and ball.
It's like that.
It's not 100% confirmed yet, but, the ramifications of the possibilities are enough to make me hate God.
That's all I can say right now.
Please say a prayer for my family and send some healing mojo towards New England, if you get the chance.
The kind of news that shakes the very fiber of your being.
The kind of news that makes all your major problems seem so petty.
The kind of news that makes you want to curl into a fetal position in a dark corner and ball.
It's like that.
It's not 100% confirmed yet, but, the ramifications of the possibilities are enough to make me hate God.
That's all I can say right now.
Please say a prayer for my family and send some healing mojo towards New England, if you get the chance.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Time Passages
I do have to say that my son has done very well so far with his driving skills. His first drive was this weekend with his father, on the highway....in the rain......in his pickup truck. Talk about being thrown into the deep end of the pool! I would have chosen a different path and hit a couple very empty parking lots first. Son was even driving when he got dropped off Sunday - more highway driving.
From the understanding comments I've gotten regarding this matter, it feels more of a right of passage for me than my kid. Every parents worst nightmare, and biggest relief: that their kid is finally getting closer to adulthood and flying from the nest (or fleeing or being flung...whatever suits you best)
I clearly remember my drivers ed classes and my teacher screaming at me to "NEVER, EVER,UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU SLOW DOWN WHEN MERGING ONTO A HIGHWAY!!!!!" I chuckle every time I'm about to drive right up the back of the asshole in front of me - SLOWING DOWN TO MERGE ONTO THE HIGHWAY.
110 MPH to NH on Rte 93.
Donuts in the highschool parking lot and taking off before the smoke cleared and the cops showed up.
Drive-ins.
The "Wood Chip 500" in the Jeep.
Ahhh....road rage, brakestands, burnouts, trenching, speeding tickets, surcharges, insurance, parking......the freedom, hopes and dreads associated with driving when you're 16.
The kid is never, ever, under any circumstances driving my car without me in it!
I mean it.
From the understanding comments I've gotten regarding this matter, it feels more of a right of passage for me than my kid. Every parents worst nightmare, and biggest relief: that their kid is finally getting closer to adulthood and flying from the nest (or fleeing or being flung...whatever suits you best)
I clearly remember my drivers ed classes and my teacher screaming at me to "NEVER, EVER,UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU SLOW DOWN WHEN MERGING ONTO A HIGHWAY!!!!!" I chuckle every time I'm about to drive right up the back of the asshole in front of me - SLOWING DOWN TO MERGE ONTO THE HIGHWAY.
110 MPH to NH on Rte 93.
Donuts in the highschool parking lot and taking off before the smoke cleared and the cops showed up.
Drive-ins.
The "Wood Chip 500" in the Jeep.
Ahhh....road rage, brakestands, burnouts, trenching, speeding tickets, surcharges, insurance, parking......the freedom, hopes and dreads associated with driving when you're 16.
The kid is never, ever, under any circumstances driving my car without me in it!
I mean it.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Time to up the insurance
I am weak and spineless. I admit it. My resolve evaporates like dew on a morning flower. Remember when I said my kid would never drive my car? Right. Uh-huh. Giving in is easier than enduring the relentless wearing down. I'm talking constant. My son will make someone a great wife one day - he's perfected nagging.
Son requested to drive home from the drug store yesterday (his second drive in my vehicle). I look him in the eye and tell him: "You realize that I am going to get everything I can out of this deal and you owe me so big?"
He just grinned and looked up at the sky. He knows first hand about using Moms guilt to get what he wants. We'll see if he's still smiling when on hands & knees scrubbing my kitchen floor.
I haven't forgotten about being tagged Kfarmer! I'll get to it this week!
Son requested to drive home from the drug store yesterday (his second drive in my vehicle). I look him in the eye and tell him: "You realize that I am going to get everything I can out of this deal and you owe me so big?"
He just grinned and looked up at the sky. He knows first hand about using Moms guilt to get what he wants. We'll see if he's still smiling when on hands & knees scrubbing my kitchen floor.
I haven't forgotten about being tagged Kfarmer! I'll get to it this week!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Net Neutrality
Save the Internet!
Today, you can use the power of the blogs to help save the Internet.
As the House of Representatives prepares to vote this week on whether to protect Internet freedom, a funny new video about Net Neutrality was released online today by the SavetheInternet.com Coalition and PoliticsTV.com.
In it, Grammy-nominated musician Moby identifies how out-of-touch Washington, D.C. must be if Congress is even thinking about gutting Net Neutrality. He urges Americans to let their voices be heard by flooding Congress with phone calls.
Can you help raise awareness of this week's threat to Internet freedom by posting this humorous video on your blog today?
Save The Net
"The Internet is fighting back to save itself" is how Congressman Ed Markey (D-MA), a lead Internet freedom proponent, described our momentum at a recent Net Neutrality event with Moby.
While corporations like AT&T are spending millions in paid advertising, lobbying, and campaign contributions to convince Congress to give them control over what you see and do online, we are empowering regular Internet users to fight back by using the magic of the Internet. By letting others know about this humorous video, you are indeed helping the Internet to save itself.
Thanks for all you do.
–Eli Pariser, Laura Dawn, Adam Green, Noah T. Winer, and the MoveOn.org Civic Action team
Monday, June 5th, 2006
P.S. When you forward the video, you can also remind your friends to sign our petition to Congress. SavetheInternet.com Coalition members have already collected 750,000 signatures which we will deliver this week—and this number grows every day.
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=1849&id=7931-7008888-GgGMuWWNgkN72XurabYEjw&t=1
Today, you can use the power of the blogs to help save the Internet.
As the House of Representatives prepares to vote this week on whether to protect Internet freedom, a funny new video about Net Neutrality was released online today by the SavetheInternet.com Coalition and PoliticsTV.com.
In it, Grammy-nominated musician Moby identifies how out-of-touch Washington, D.C. must be if Congress is even thinking about gutting Net Neutrality. He urges Americans to let their voices be heard by flooding Congress with phone calls.
Can you help raise awareness of this week's threat to Internet freedom by posting this humorous video on your blog today?
Save The Net
"The Internet is fighting back to save itself" is how Congressman Ed Markey (D-MA), a lead Internet freedom proponent, described our momentum at a recent Net Neutrality event with Moby.
While corporations like AT&T are spending millions in paid advertising, lobbying, and campaign contributions to convince Congress to give them control over what you see and do online, we are empowering regular Internet users to fight back by using the magic of the Internet. By letting others know about this humorous video, you are indeed helping the Internet to save itself.
Thanks for all you do.
–Eli Pariser, Laura Dawn, Adam Green, Noah T. Winer, and the MoveOn.org Civic Action team
Monday, June 5th, 2006
P.S. When you forward the video, you can also remind your friends to sign our petition to Congress. SavetheInternet.com Coalition members have already collected 750,000 signatures which we will deliver this week—and this number grows every day.
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=1849&id=7931-7008888-GgGMuWWNgkN72XurabYEjw&t=1
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