I've been tagged by KFarmer
Rules are each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are tagged need to write posts in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
I usually don't do meme's. I think I've only done one prior to this. I don't have any particular aversion to them, maybe it's just laziness. I'm doing this one, because it was KFarmer who tagged me. I'm not sure how insightful this will be. I haven't exactly been running on all cylinders as of late. I certainly don't think there is anything interesting or unusual about my habits, and this is going to take some thought. I could certainly use the distraction.
1. If I don't periodically do something creative (photography, crafts, bead/wire jewelry, home improvement projects etc...) I feel like I'll go postal. I go on creative binges. There is nothing like the satisfaction of creating something beautiful with your own hands.
2. I'm a procrastinator. This may not be a new fact, but you have no idea how bad it is. I'm a financial administrator for a living. I reconcile accounts, pay invoices and track spending on million dollar accounts daily. Yet, I don't have a running balance in my checkbook, and I let bills pile up before I finally sit down and pay them. If it weren't for auto bill pay, I'd be sitting here in the dark.
3. I always seem to find a parking space close to the entrance of a store. Grocery shopping, Home Depot, whatever...I always seem to find a space close to the entrance.
4. I may not be a mooner, but I have no problem lifting my shirt. (Tribute to K) Many a Laconia weekend I have bared my bits for all to see. There is no age or gravity distinction in a males eye's when it comes to breasts. Slap a nipple on any amount of fat (could be an ass cheek or a roll of blubber) and men drool. What a pair we would make eh, K?
5. I haven't been on a date in 5 1/2 years and I'm OK with that.
6. I'm embarrassed to have company over to my house. Living in a trailer park and all...
7. I believe in magick, fairies, dragons and ESP. I secretly wish I had some sort of special ability to prove to my mind, what I believe in my heart.
8. I belch, fart and curse like a sailor. Only with family, they deserve the best of me.
I'm not tagging anyone with this meme. If you care to share & play along, feel free.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
They Say It's Your Birthday........
Normally, I would receive a phone call early in the morning on May 18th.
It would be my Daddy, wishing me a Happy Birthday.
I turn 43 years old today.
I was born on May 18, 1964.
I will never, ever, get that phone call again.
What was once a day of celebration, is now, another reason to grieve.
There are six birthdays in May, in my family: My bro(3rd), my Aunt(5th), my SIL(9th), my Son(14th), Me(18th), and Mom(29th). Add in Mothers Day and Dad's partner's son (4th) and it was like Christmas in May, with all the gifts.
Not anymore though.
Never again.
It would be my Daddy, wishing me a Happy Birthday.
I turn 43 years old today.
I was born on May 18, 1964.
I will never, ever, get that phone call again.
What was once a day of celebration, is now, another reason to grieve.
There are six birthdays in May, in my family: My bro(3rd), my Aunt(5th), my SIL(9th), my Son(14th), Me(18th), and Mom(29th). Add in Mothers Day and Dad's partner's son (4th) and it was like Christmas in May, with all the gifts.
Not anymore though.
Never again.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
A Bittersweet Birthday
Son had expected us to insure, register, and pick up his truck at his fathers Monday morning. A one-track teenage mind didn't understand the concept of having to go to work or school when there was something so much more important to do. He felt his ticket to freedom slipping from his hands.
Patience has never been his strong suit.
I left work a little early and picked him up to go to the insurance company. "Do you think we'll make it to the registry in time?" He was a man on a mission and little things like my gas gauge being on empty became tremendous hurdles fate had thrown in his path.
I paid his insurance in full for the year and informed him he would have to get a job immediately and start paying it off. The only reason I was able to do that was because I finally received the SSDI dependent benefits. A substantial amount that has helped bail me out of not receiving any child support for over a year.
We made the registry at 4:35 (they close at 5). The worry wort was relieved when overhearing a conversation that if we make it through the door before 5, we could complete our transactions.
He kissed the license plates when they were handed to him. I could almost see right through his head because of the deep dimples created by the permagrin on his face. He started floating off the floor at that point.
I thought he would come out of his skin on the drive to NH. "I'm so happy!" is all he could keep saying. Freedom was within sight. The freedom of having his own transportation, of thinking he could come and go as he pleased, the freedom of not having to depend on Mom to go where he wanted. What memories that brought back to me.
I chatted with his father while he affixed the plates and, within a half hour, I entered the next stage of parenthood. The helpless, precious child brought into this world 17 years ago was driving solo, in his own truck, for the first time.
I couldn't deny it anymore. The boy I have given everything to, for half my life, is growing up and away from me.
We weren't even on the highway before he yelled out the window that his speedometer didn't work. I had to laugh. More memories came flooding back. That ticket to freedom comes with a heavy price. The innocence of childhood is suddenly replaced with the responsibility of adulthood.
It's a one way threshold every teenager races towards, and by the time we realize being an adult isn't as much fun as we thought it would be; it's too late. There's no going back. I felt the final twinge of pain, as the umbilical I had meticulously tried to maintain was severed.
None of these thoughts could dampen the happiness I felt for my son. The first thing he wanted to do was drive to Nana & Grampa's.
That's when a wave of sadness so enormous washed over me. My Father should have been here to see this day. He should have been here to laugh with delight over the knowledge that I will finally comprehend what I had put them both through when I got my first car.
Son followed me off the exit to get to my parents house. All the times we have driven that route and he never paid attention enough to learn it for himself. It was indeed a big new world to him. I left him on his own and drove home alone.
Mom was picking fresh Asparagus from the garden, when son startled her with his arrival. He couldn't wait for Nana to ask where I was, he blurted out that he was there alone. "You took your Mother's car?!" "No, I have my own truck!"
He beamed with pride as he showed off for his Nana and Great-Grandmother, then he had to ask for directions to visit a friend at work. I hope he develops a better sense of direction than his Mother!
Son didn't finally arrive home until 8:30PM. He was wound up tighter than a drum. It was 9:30 when he asked if he could drive me around the block, since I had never been in his truck.
I told him how happy I was for him between hiccuping sobs. "You've gotten such a raw deal your whole life baby, I'm so happy for you. I just want you to be careful and understand the responsibility that comes with this...and I wish Grampa was here to enjoy this with you".
He was so grown up, especially when he was trying to console his bawling Mother.
Patience has never been his strong suit.
I left work a little early and picked him up to go to the insurance company. "Do you think we'll make it to the registry in time?" He was a man on a mission and little things like my gas gauge being on empty became tremendous hurdles fate had thrown in his path.
I paid his insurance in full for the year and informed him he would have to get a job immediately and start paying it off. The only reason I was able to do that was because I finally received the SSDI dependent benefits. A substantial amount that has helped bail me out of not receiving any child support for over a year.
We made the registry at 4:35 (they close at 5). The worry wort was relieved when overhearing a conversation that if we make it through the door before 5, we could complete our transactions.
He kissed the license plates when they were handed to him. I could almost see right through his head because of the deep dimples created by the permagrin on his face. He started floating off the floor at that point.
I thought he would come out of his skin on the drive to NH. "I'm so happy!" is all he could keep saying. Freedom was within sight. The freedom of having his own transportation, of thinking he could come and go as he pleased, the freedom of not having to depend on Mom to go where he wanted. What memories that brought back to me.
I chatted with his father while he affixed the plates and, within a half hour, I entered the next stage of parenthood. The helpless, precious child brought into this world 17 years ago was driving solo, in his own truck, for the first time.
I couldn't deny it anymore. The boy I have given everything to, for half my life, is growing up and away from me.
We weren't even on the highway before he yelled out the window that his speedometer didn't work. I had to laugh. More memories came flooding back. That ticket to freedom comes with a heavy price. The innocence of childhood is suddenly replaced with the responsibility of adulthood.
It's a one way threshold every teenager races towards, and by the time we realize being an adult isn't as much fun as we thought it would be; it's too late. There's no going back. I felt the final twinge of pain, as the umbilical I had meticulously tried to maintain was severed.
None of these thoughts could dampen the happiness I felt for my son. The first thing he wanted to do was drive to Nana & Grampa's.
That's when a wave of sadness so enormous washed over me. My Father should have been here to see this day. He should have been here to laugh with delight over the knowledge that I will finally comprehend what I had put them both through when I got my first car.
Son followed me off the exit to get to my parents house. All the times we have driven that route and he never paid attention enough to learn it for himself. It was indeed a big new world to him. I left him on his own and drove home alone.
Mom was picking fresh Asparagus from the garden, when son startled her with his arrival. He couldn't wait for Nana to ask where I was, he blurted out that he was there alone. "You took your Mother's car?!" "No, I have my own truck!"
He beamed with pride as he showed off for his Nana and Great-Grandmother, then he had to ask for directions to visit a friend at work. I hope he develops a better sense of direction than his Mother!
Son didn't finally arrive home until 8:30PM. He was wound up tighter than a drum. It was 9:30 when he asked if he could drive me around the block, since I had never been in his truck.
I told him how happy I was for him between hiccuping sobs. "You've gotten such a raw deal your whole life baby, I'm so happy for you. I just want you to be careful and understand the responsibility that comes with this...and I wish Grampa was here to enjoy this with you".
He was so grown up, especially when he was trying to console his bawling Mother.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Happy Birthday Baby
It's official, my son made it to 17, actually at 6:04PM today.
It has been touch and go for a while - but he did it.
Now we see if he can make it to 18. (Not gonna happen with that attitude)
Happy Birthday Baby!
I love you.
It has been touch and go for a while - but he did it.
Now we see if he can make it to 18. (Not gonna happen with that attitude)
Happy Birthday Baby!
I love you.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
The First.....
I haven’t been able to post. I haven’t been able to do much of anything. I’ve been mentally & emotionally bankrupt since my Daddy died.
I went to a work awards ceremony with Mom Thursday night. My Dad had planned to go with her, she asked me a week or so ago. He would have been cheering her 25 year achievement, had he been there.
I owe so many posts and thank you’s, which will come, in time.
I was out of work sick Tuesday and Wednesday. My voice was so deep and scratchy; I sounded like a 70 year old 4 pack a day smoker, and felt like one too. I was on the couch for both days. I’m feeling better now, but still not 100%.
On top of that, I couldn’t receive any incoming phone calls for two days. The lines were crossed somewhere. That aggravation is getting its own post.
For now, I give you this:
My son got his license today. You might want to turn in yours……Seriously though; he had an ear to ear grin when I picked him up. I knew before he told me.
After he told me how easy the road test was, he started going down a list of people he had to call. When he said Grampa, we both paused. Tears welled in my eyes, “He would be very proud of you”.
It was the first of many milestones my son will accomplish in his life that he won’t get to share with his Grandfather.
It was a beautiful day today: sunny, mid 70’s and no humidity.
My son and I replaced the old fence to my front yard. We bickered like an old married couple at times. Although I couldn’t ask my Dad’s advice on how to go about it, he taught me enough to figure it all out. And, it only took three trips to home depot.
The first was to order everything needed. I took the hardware home, but the fencing wouldn’t fit in my little Alia the Kia so I figured Son could pick it up Monday or Tuesday with his pick-up, once it was registered. I didn’t want to wait until then, so we borrowed my Dad’s truck to pick it up. That’s when we stopped by the cemetery to tell Grampa about son getting his license.
Once we got everything home, we realized the posts remaining from the previous fence would be too short, we had to go buy more. Wanting to do it right, we purchased some quickcrete to set them in. Hence the three trips: order, pick-up, go back for posts.
Son did an outstanding job with our new post hole digger and setting the posts in some cement, while I stained the fence panels with some honey colored sealer. We haven’t gotten the gate up yet, but the stained panels do look fabulous. It’s much better than what was there.
It was our first home improvement project together in a long time. The bickering was tempered with humor and, we both agreed it was a good day.
The first, good day, in a long, long time.
Hopefully, not the last.
I only wish I could tell my Dad what we accomplished, he would be proud of us.
I went to a work awards ceremony with Mom Thursday night. My Dad had planned to go with her, she asked me a week or so ago. He would have been cheering her 25 year achievement, had he been there.
I owe so many posts and thank you’s, which will come, in time.
I was out of work sick Tuesday and Wednesday. My voice was so deep and scratchy; I sounded like a 70 year old 4 pack a day smoker, and felt like one too. I was on the couch for both days. I’m feeling better now, but still not 100%.
On top of that, I couldn’t receive any incoming phone calls for two days. The lines were crossed somewhere. That aggravation is getting its own post.
For now, I give you this:
My son got his license today. You might want to turn in yours……Seriously though; he had an ear to ear grin when I picked him up. I knew before he told me.
After he told me how easy the road test was, he started going down a list of people he had to call. When he said Grampa, we both paused. Tears welled in my eyes, “He would be very proud of you”.
It was the first of many milestones my son will accomplish in his life that he won’t get to share with his Grandfather.
It was a beautiful day today: sunny, mid 70’s and no humidity.
My son and I replaced the old fence to my front yard. We bickered like an old married couple at times. Although I couldn’t ask my Dad’s advice on how to go about it, he taught me enough to figure it all out. And, it only took three trips to home depot.
The first was to order everything needed. I took the hardware home, but the fencing wouldn’t fit in my little Alia the Kia so I figured Son could pick it up Monday or Tuesday with his pick-up, once it was registered. I didn’t want to wait until then, so we borrowed my Dad’s truck to pick it up. That’s when we stopped by the cemetery to tell Grampa about son getting his license.
Once we got everything home, we realized the posts remaining from the previous fence would be too short, we had to go buy more. Wanting to do it right, we purchased some quickcrete to set them in. Hence the three trips: order, pick-up, go back for posts.
Son did an outstanding job with our new post hole digger and setting the posts in some cement, while I stained the fence panels with some honey colored sealer. We haven’t gotten the gate up yet, but the stained panels do look fabulous. It’s much better than what was there.
It was our first home improvement project together in a long time. The bickering was tempered with humor and, we both agreed it was a good day.
The first, good day, in a long, long time.
Hopefully, not the last.
I only wish I could tell my Dad what we accomplished, he would be proud of us.
Monday, April 30, 2007
The Dash Poem
Due to a notice of (unintentional) copyright infringement, I've had to remove this post.
If you'd like to read the Dash Poem, please visit the authors site: Linda Ellis
If you'd like to read the Dash Poem, please visit the authors site: Linda Ellis
Dear Bloggers,
I just watched found this website with a beautiful and powerful presentation that really touched me and I wanted to share it with you. I'm sure you'll enjoy the breathtaking images and the inspiring message.
You can check it out here: http://www.thedash.net
Enjoy your day,
Sharfa
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Nothing Makes Sense Anymore
Least of all, THIS. I haven't been online since Tuesday, when I went to work for 6 hours. I left and have not been back. I plan on going back Monday.
I have been immersed in my grief and mourning. I have been immobilized by it. I moved through the motions of the wake and funeral on automatic pilot. There were too many things that had to be done, details needed attending. The funeral home, the graveyard - choosing a plot, picking out flowers, Planning the gathering afterwards. Going through acres of family photographs, scanning, editing and printing for the 6 photo boards and video. I had to focus on my Mom and her well being, I am so worried about her. The people, the cards, the flowers.
The flowers.
Sobbing in the rain with gratitude, when I came across the enormous basket of Daffodils, Tulips and Hyacinths from you wonderful, amazing, loving Magick Mojo Monkees left on my parents doorstep. I was blown away. I plan on giving your most thoughtful gesture it's own post, when I am ready. Recent events however, have forced me to post immediately.
I lost my Father to Cancer. I knew it was coming. That doesn't matter, you're never prepared for how it will affect you. The finality of it is overwhelming.
No matter how deep my loss is, losing both your parents in a sudden, violent, senseless car accident is a crippling event. (Warning: there are some very graphic photographs of MM's parents car on this link). I got to say goodbye, I had the priveledge of being able to tell my Father how much I loved him every day for the last ten months. Magazine Man didn't.
His Mother and Father never got to see the Eclair. I sobbed when I read his post today. I understand why he went numb. The human brain is an amazing protective thing. I understand the pain of losing a parent. I cannot comprehend the pain of losing both your parents so suddenly, so senselessly. Neither can MM, that's why he is numb.
Feeling nothing, feeling dead inside, is a defense mechanism to protect the psyche. I understand this from my most recent experiences. The pain of the loss of a parent is debilitating. If we felt everything all at once - it would kill us.
It would kill me. It would kill anyone.
Grief comes over you like a storm. The pain is excruciating. The thoughts of never seeing his face again, hearing his voice, his laugh...it's incomprehensible. I now understand the meaning of the words "You never get over it, you learn to live with it".
How can I go on with my life without him? There is no "Going back to normal", things will never be normal again. Perhaps it would be easier if this happened in 20 or 30 years. It would be comforting to be able to say "He lived a full life". To have that life taken at a time when he should be retiring and enjoying "The Golden Years" with my Mother, and golfing in Florida makes me feel cheated. Our parents are supposed to live long enough to be pains in our asses. It's our responsibility to take care of them, as they took care of us. To be robbed of that honor isn't fair.
It's not fair.
Living on without him is the hardest part. The loss is unbearable. My life will never, ever, be the same again. I have never felt a loss such as this, until now. I don't know how this will change me, I only know it will.
As will MM.
He will need all our support and love in the coming months.
I have been immersed in my grief and mourning. I have been immobilized by it. I moved through the motions of the wake and funeral on automatic pilot. There were too many things that had to be done, details needed attending. The funeral home, the graveyard - choosing a plot, picking out flowers, Planning the gathering afterwards. Going through acres of family photographs, scanning, editing and printing for the 6 photo boards and video. I had to focus on my Mom and her well being, I am so worried about her. The people, the cards, the flowers.
The flowers.
Sobbing in the rain with gratitude, when I came across the enormous basket of Daffodils, Tulips and Hyacinths from you wonderful, amazing, loving Magick Mojo Monkees left on my parents doorstep. I was blown away. I plan on giving your most thoughtful gesture it's own post, when I am ready. Recent events however, have forced me to post immediately.
I lost my Father to Cancer. I knew it was coming. That doesn't matter, you're never prepared for how it will affect you. The finality of it is overwhelming.
No matter how deep my loss is, losing both your parents in a sudden, violent, senseless car accident is a crippling event. (Warning: there are some very graphic photographs of MM's parents car on this link). I got to say goodbye, I had the priveledge of being able to tell my Father how much I loved him every day for the last ten months. Magazine Man didn't.
His Mother and Father never got to see the Eclair. I sobbed when I read his post today. I understand why he went numb. The human brain is an amazing protective thing. I understand the pain of losing a parent. I cannot comprehend the pain of losing both your parents so suddenly, so senselessly. Neither can MM, that's why he is numb.
Feeling nothing, feeling dead inside, is a defense mechanism to protect the psyche. I understand this from my most recent experiences. The pain of the loss of a parent is debilitating. If we felt everything all at once - it would kill us.
It would kill me. It would kill anyone.
Grief comes over you like a storm. The pain is excruciating. The thoughts of never seeing his face again, hearing his voice, his laugh...it's incomprehensible. I now understand the meaning of the words "You never get over it, you learn to live with it".
How can I go on with my life without him? There is no "Going back to normal", things will never be normal again. Perhaps it would be easier if this happened in 20 or 30 years. It would be comforting to be able to say "He lived a full life". To have that life taken at a time when he should be retiring and enjoying "The Golden Years" with my Mother, and golfing in Florida makes me feel cheated. Our parents are supposed to live long enough to be pains in our asses. It's our responsibility to take care of them, as they took care of us. To be robbed of that honor isn't fair.
It's not fair.
Living on without him is the hardest part. The loss is unbearable. My life will never, ever, be the same again. I have never felt a loss such as this, until now. I don't know how this will change me, I only know it will.
As will MM.
He will need all our support and love in the coming months.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
A Moment in Time
We were sitting in the bathroom, Dad in the chair, me on the toilet cover. He was catching his breath before the trek back to the kitchen.
He looked at me and his eyes filled with tears, "I'm very proud of you."
I hugged him and started crying. "I love you so much! I don't know what we're going to do without you. " I took his hand and said "I wish I could take this from you, it isn't fair, it's not right."
"It's my time"
"No, it isn't, it's too soon, you're too young, you still have so much to teach me. You can't go and leave me with the two Crones!"
We laughed.
"I won't do that to you, maybe I'll have Jane (my aunt) move in downstairs."
"Then I'll have the 3 of them!"
We laughed at that and then started the trek to the kitchen.
He looked at me and his eyes filled with tears, "I'm very proud of you."
I hugged him and started crying. "I love you so much! I don't know what we're going to do without you. " I took his hand and said "I wish I could take this from you, it isn't fair, it's not right."
"It's my time"
"No, it isn't, it's too soon, you're too young, you still have so much to teach me. You can't go and leave me with the two Crones!"
We laughed.
"I won't do that to you, maybe I'll have Jane (my aunt) move in downstairs."
"Then I'll have the 3 of them!"
We laughed at that and then started the trek to the kitchen.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Better is Good
Dad is doing better. Well enough to want to get back in the "big bed" with Mom this morning! Being able to snuggle up with your honey has it's own healing effects and I know they've missed each other, in that respect.
For Mom too answer "Good" and mean it, when I asked how things were on my morning phone check, is an excellent sign. Dad is much more mobile this morning too "Like a Friggin' Jackrabbit!", according to Mom. He wants to do things himself (as always) but Mom wants to make sure he doesn't fall. She's going to have to put a bell around his neck!
He completely lost two days (Sat & Sun) in a medication haze. His breathing has improved too, hopefully he is recovering from the blood clots that landed him in the hospital. Last night, he told "Nurse Cratchett" (his nickname for her) he doesn't want anymore of those pain meds. Saturday he thought she was trying to "slip me a Mickey" in some water.
He still gets tired in the afternoon, I wish he'd take a nap before he gets wiped out . When I went over yesterday I couldn't believe how much brighter he was. He still has some memory/confusion but at least he's lucid! If Dad's doing better - I'm doing better. I'm hoping this will give Mom some piece of mind too. She's lost an awful lot of weight and hasn't been eating like she should. I need to look out for her while she's looking out for him.
For all our family and friends that would like to visit: Please call to see when is a good time (The home health aid starts today and I'm not sure of the schedule) and to make sure my Dad is up for visiting. He told me yesterday he knows he doesn't have a lot of time and he enjoys the company when visitors come. He does tire easily, so shorter visits are best. You've all been so wonderful and I know you're just as concerned as we are. So, give my Mom a call and set up a good time to come by and see my Dad.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughts! You guys are the best and I feel blessed by your concern and support.
For Mom too answer "Good" and mean it, when I asked how things were on my morning phone check, is an excellent sign. Dad is much more mobile this morning too "Like a Friggin' Jackrabbit!", according to Mom. He wants to do things himself (as always) but Mom wants to make sure he doesn't fall. She's going to have to put a bell around his neck!
He completely lost two days (Sat & Sun) in a medication haze. His breathing has improved too, hopefully he is recovering from the blood clots that landed him in the hospital. Last night, he told "Nurse Cratchett" (his nickname for her) he doesn't want anymore of those pain meds. Saturday he thought she was trying to "slip me a Mickey" in some water.
He still gets tired in the afternoon, I wish he'd take a nap before he gets wiped out . When I went over yesterday I couldn't believe how much brighter he was. He still has some memory/confusion but at least he's lucid! If Dad's doing better - I'm doing better. I'm hoping this will give Mom some piece of mind too. She's lost an awful lot of weight and hasn't been eating like she should. I need to look out for her while she's looking out for him.
For all our family and friends that would like to visit: Please call to see when is a good time (The home health aid starts today and I'm not sure of the schedule) and to make sure my Dad is up for visiting. He told me yesterday he knows he doesn't have a lot of time and he enjoys the company when visitors come. He does tire easily, so shorter visits are best. You've all been so wonderful and I know you're just as concerned as we are. So, give my Mom a call and set up a good time to come by and see my Dad.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughts! You guys are the best and I feel blessed by your concern and support.
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