Saturday, April 28, 2007

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

Least of all, THIS. I haven't been online since Tuesday, when I went to work for 6 hours. I left and have not been back. I plan on going back Monday.

I have been immersed in my grief and mourning. I have been immobilized by it. I moved through the motions of the wake and funeral on automatic pilot. There were too many things that had to be done, details needed attending. The funeral home, the graveyard - choosing a plot, picking out flowers, Planning the gathering afterwards. Going through acres of family photographs, scanning, editing and printing for the 6 photo boards and video. I had to focus on my Mom and her well being, I am so worried about her. The people, the cards, the flowers.

The flowers.

Sobbing in the rain with gratitude, when I came across the enormous basket of Daffodils, Tulips and Hyacinths from you wonderful, amazing, loving Magick Mojo Monkees left on my parents doorstep. I was blown away. I plan on giving your most thoughtful gesture it's own post, when I am ready. Recent events however, have forced me to post immediately.

I lost my Father to Cancer. I knew it was coming. That doesn't matter, you're never prepared for how it will affect you. The finality of it is overwhelming.

No matter how deep my loss is, losing both your parents in a sudden, violent, senseless car accident is a crippling event. (Warning: there are some very graphic photographs of MM's parents car on this link). I got to say goodbye, I had the priveledge of being able to tell my Father how much I loved him every day for the last ten months. Magazine Man didn't.

His Mother and Father never got to see the Eclair. I sobbed when I read his post today. I understand why he went numb. The human brain is an amazing protective thing. I understand the pain of losing a parent. I cannot comprehend the pain of losing both your parents so suddenly, so senselessly. Neither can MM, that's why he is numb.

Feeling nothing, feeling dead inside, is a defense mechanism to protect the psyche. I understand this from my most recent experiences. The pain of the loss of a parent is debilitating. If we felt everything all at once - it would kill us.

It would kill me. It would kill anyone.

Grief comes over you like a storm. The pain is excruciating. The thoughts of never seeing his face again, hearing his voice, his laugh...it's incomprehensible. I now understand the meaning of the words "You never get over it, you learn to live with it".

How can I go on with my life without him? There is no "Going back to normal", things will never be normal again. Perhaps it would be easier if this happened in 20 or 30 years. It would be comforting to be able to say "He lived a full life". To have that life taken at a time when he should be retiring and enjoying "The Golden Years" with my Mother, and golfing in Florida makes me feel cheated. Our parents are supposed to live long enough to be pains in our asses. It's our responsibility to take care of them, as they took care of us. To be robbed of that honor isn't fair.

It's not fair.

Living on without him is the hardest part. The loss is unbearable. My life will never, ever, be the same again. I have never felt a loss such as this, until now. I don't know how this will change me, I only know it will.

As will MM.

He will need all our support and love in the coming months.

7 comments:

KFarmer said...

Lovey, please don't let the grief pull you so far down you can't see daylight- I know it has to be tough.

MM- God bless him and his family too- Such a horrible accident. It all just breaks my heart-

You know I've called and will call again, but dont think you cant call me too- I luv ya darlin. Hang in there- As always, you and your family are in my prayers and thoughts. Be well-

MJ in Michigan said...

Sharfa, I've read your notes on MM's site for months, and never made it here. I'm so sorry about the loss of your father. Mine has been gone for almost 9 years and I still can hardly believe it. I hope you can find some peace and comfort in the love you shared while he was alive.

If you are involved in any sort of tribute or anything for MM's family, could you please let me know at klutz67atyahoo? His posts have given me so much joy, especially those about his father, and I would love to be able to give anything back.

Dick said...

I'm so sorry girl. Wish I could give ou a hug right now. I know how it feels, losing a parent.
Time, and talking will help.

Denise said...

*HUGE HUGS*

It's good to see you are still with us, lady. Just hang in there and stay that strong, fabulous woman that you are. It's going to be rough, but I believe from the bottom of my heart that you will mend.

As for MM, I'm still speechless. I keep checking his page in disbelief and utter sadness. I saw those images before and I just instantly felt my stomach knot before I started to cry.

Seriously, both of your family and MM's are in my thoughts daily. If you need me for anything, my email is clioskissataoldotcom. Also, let me know if there's anything that can be done for MM's family too.

I maybe busy with this wedding nonsense but, there are 24 usable hours in the day! I can devote the time and attention to amazing people.

izchan said...

There is no going back.

I know because of something similar happening to me.

Which is why I do what I do today knowing full well that I might never get to say I am sorry for whatever mistakes that I have done.

So I always apologize.

I always express my love.

Suldog said...

You're a good soul, Sharfa. I'm glad you're back on-line. A few of us have been talking about something for MM - if interested, contact me at suldog@aol.com - OR, if you have anything in the works that you'd like others to share in, please let me know and I'll pass on to others. Thanks!

Thimbelle said...

Sharfa, right now it is so hard to see beyond the grief and pain.

But I promise you - I have walked where you are, and, in time - you will find a "new" normal.

I know that you can't even imagine how you will even laugh again, or how you can ever enjoy anything again, but in time - you will.

For now, just know that you can (and you will) survive, and eventually, thrive.

(((hugs)))

Thim