Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

Least of all, THIS. I haven't been online since Tuesday, when I went to work for 6 hours. I left and have not been back. I plan on going back Monday.

I have been immersed in my grief and mourning. I have been immobilized by it. I moved through the motions of the wake and funeral on automatic pilot. There were too many things that had to be done, details needed attending. The funeral home, the graveyard - choosing a plot, picking out flowers, Planning the gathering afterwards. Going through acres of family photographs, scanning, editing and printing for the 6 photo boards and video. I had to focus on my Mom and her well being, I am so worried about her. The people, the cards, the flowers.

The flowers.

Sobbing in the rain with gratitude, when I came across the enormous basket of Daffodils, Tulips and Hyacinths from you wonderful, amazing, loving Magick Mojo Monkees left on my parents doorstep. I was blown away. I plan on giving your most thoughtful gesture it's own post, when I am ready. Recent events however, have forced me to post immediately.

I lost my Father to Cancer. I knew it was coming. That doesn't matter, you're never prepared for how it will affect you. The finality of it is overwhelming.

No matter how deep my loss is, losing both your parents in a sudden, violent, senseless car accident is a crippling event. (Warning: there are some very graphic photographs of MM's parents car on this link). I got to say goodbye, I had the priveledge of being able to tell my Father how much I loved him every day for the last ten months. Magazine Man didn't.

His Mother and Father never got to see the Eclair. I sobbed when I read his post today. I understand why he went numb. The human brain is an amazing protective thing. I understand the pain of losing a parent. I cannot comprehend the pain of losing both your parents so suddenly, so senselessly. Neither can MM, that's why he is numb.

Feeling nothing, feeling dead inside, is a defense mechanism to protect the psyche. I understand this from my most recent experiences. The pain of the loss of a parent is debilitating. If we felt everything all at once - it would kill us.

It would kill me. It would kill anyone.

Grief comes over you like a storm. The pain is excruciating. The thoughts of never seeing his face again, hearing his voice, his laugh...it's incomprehensible. I now understand the meaning of the words "You never get over it, you learn to live with it".

How can I go on with my life without him? There is no "Going back to normal", things will never be normal again. Perhaps it would be easier if this happened in 20 or 30 years. It would be comforting to be able to say "He lived a full life". To have that life taken at a time when he should be retiring and enjoying "The Golden Years" with my Mother, and golfing in Florida makes me feel cheated. Our parents are supposed to live long enough to be pains in our asses. It's our responsibility to take care of them, as they took care of us. To be robbed of that honor isn't fair.

It's not fair.

Living on without him is the hardest part. The loss is unbearable. My life will never, ever, be the same again. I have never felt a loss such as this, until now. I don't know how this will change me, I only know it will.

As will MM.

He will need all our support and love in the coming months.