Monday, April 30, 2007

The Dash Poem

Due to a notice of (unintentional) copyright infringement, I've had to remove this post.

If you'd like to read the Dash Poem, please visit the authors site: Linda Ellis

Dear Bloggers,

I just watched found this website with a beautiful and powerful presentation that really touched me and I wanted to share it with you. I'm sure you'll enjoy the breathtaking images and the inspiring message.

You can check it out here:

Enjoy your day,


I hope the changes in this post will satisfy the removal of infringed material. I never intended to offend anyone but wanted to share Linda's beautiful words. Apologies.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

Least of all, THIS. I haven't been online since Tuesday, when I went to work for 6 hours. I left and have not been back. I plan on going back Monday.

I have been immersed in my grief and mourning. I have been immobilized by it. I moved through the motions of the wake and funeral on automatic pilot. There were too many things that had to be done, details needed attending. The funeral home, the graveyard - choosing a plot, picking out flowers, Planning the gathering afterwards. Going through acres of family photographs, scanning, editing and printing for the 6 photo boards and video. I had to focus on my Mom and her well being, I am so worried about her. The people, the cards, the flowers.

The flowers.

Sobbing in the rain with gratitude, when I came across the enormous basket of Daffodils, Tulips and Hyacinths from you wonderful, amazing, loving Magick Mojo Monkees left on my parents doorstep. I was blown away. I plan on giving your most thoughtful gesture it's own post, when I am ready. Recent events however, have forced me to post immediately.

I lost my Father to Cancer. I knew it was coming. That doesn't matter, you're never prepared for how it will affect you. The finality of it is overwhelming.

No matter how deep my loss is, losing both your parents in a sudden, violent, senseless car accident is a crippling event. (Warning: there are some very graphic photographs of MM's parents car on this link). I got to say goodbye, I had the priveledge of being able to tell my Father how much I loved him every day for the last ten months. Magazine Man didn't.

His Mother and Father never got to see the Eclair. I sobbed when I read his post today. I understand why he went numb. The human brain is an amazing protective thing. I understand the pain of losing a parent. I cannot comprehend the pain of losing both your parents so suddenly, so senselessly. Neither can MM, that's why he is numb.

Feeling nothing, feeling dead inside, is a defense mechanism to protect the psyche. I understand this from my most recent experiences. The pain of the loss of a parent is debilitating. If we felt everything all at once - it would kill us.

It would kill me. It would kill anyone.

Grief comes over you like a storm. The pain is excruciating. The thoughts of never seeing his face again, hearing his voice, his's incomprehensible. I now understand the meaning of the words "You never get over it, you learn to live with it".

How can I go on with my life without him? There is no "Going back to normal", things will never be normal again. Perhaps it would be easier if this happened in 20 or 30 years. It would be comforting to be able to say "He lived a full life". To have that life taken at a time when he should be retiring and enjoying "The Golden Years" with my Mother, and golfing in Florida makes me feel cheated. Our parents are supposed to live long enough to be pains in our asses. It's our responsibility to take care of them, as they took care of us. To be robbed of that honor isn't fair.

It's not fair.

Living on without him is the hardest part. The loss is unbearable. My life will never, ever, be the same again. I have never felt a loss such as this, until now. I don't know how this will change me, I only know it will.

As will MM.

He will need all our support and love in the coming months.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Donald Francis Corson

November 27, 1945 - April 13, 2007
Be at peace Daddy

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

A Moment in Time

We were sitting in the bathroom, Dad in the chair, me on the toilet cover. He was catching his breath before the trek back to the kitchen.

He looked at me and his eyes filled with tears, "I'm very proud of you."

I hugged him and started crying. "I love you so much! I don't know what we're going to do without you. " I took his hand and said "I wish I could take this from you, it isn't fair, it's not right."

"It's my time"

"No, it isn't, it's too soon, you're too young, you still have so much to teach me. You can't go and leave me with the two Crones!"

We laughed.

"I won't do that to you, maybe I'll have Jane (my aunt) move in downstairs."

"Then I'll have the 3 of them!"

We laughed at that and then started the trek to the kitchen.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Better is Good

Dad is doing better. Well enough to want to get back in the "big bed" with Mom this morning! Being able to snuggle up with your honey has it's own healing effects and I know they've missed each other, in that respect.

For Mom too answer "Good" and mean it, when I asked how things were on my morning phone check, is an excellent sign. Dad is much more mobile this morning too "Like a Friggin' Jackrabbit!", according to Mom. He wants to do things himself (as always) but Mom wants to make sure he doesn't fall. She's going to have to put a bell around his neck!

He completely lost two days (Sat & Sun) in a medication haze. His breathing has improved too, hopefully he is recovering from the blood clots that landed him in the hospital. Last night, he told "Nurse Cratchett" (his nickname for her) he doesn't want anymore of those pain meds. Saturday he thought she was trying to "slip me a Mickey" in some water.

He still gets tired in the afternoon, I wish he'd take a nap before he gets wiped out . When I went over yesterday I couldn't believe how much brighter he was. He still has some memory/confusion but at least he's lucid! If Dad's doing better - I'm doing better. I'm hoping this will give Mom some piece of mind too. She's lost an awful lot of weight and hasn't been eating like she should. I need to look out for her while she's looking out for him.

For all our family and friends that would like to visit: Please call to see when is a good time (The home health aid starts today and I'm not sure of the schedule) and to make sure my Dad is up for visiting. He told me yesterday he knows he doesn't have a lot of time and he enjoys the company when visitors come. He does tire easily, so shorter visits are best. You've all been so wonderful and I know you're just as concerned as we are. So, give my Mom a call and set up a good time to come by and see my Dad.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughts! You guys are the best and I feel blessed by your concern and support.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

This is Hell

The weekend was rough, Sunday especially. Hospice visited on Saturday and said that Dad was working too hard to breath and to up his pain meds. Here's the problem I have with that right now: Dad isn't in a lot of pain and yes, his breathing is an effort. But giving him pain meds doesn't alleviate the effort - it just gets him so stoned he's not aware of it.

I hope none of you ever have to watch your father try to feed himself and be unable to, to see him startle awake as he was dozing off and put his hands in his food. The uncontrollable twitching. It was brutal. Sunday was my Aunts birthday and she was lucky to get a cake, there were no presents or cards. I felt bad. At least my Dad did enjoy some of her birthday cake and ice cream, even if my Mom had to feed it to him and hold on to him to steady him so he could eat. I had to keep leaving the table because I couldn't hold it together. My bro & Grandmother were crying too. This feels like the fourth circle of hell.

Mom felt guilty for giving him the pain meds. I told her she shouldn't, she went on the recommendation of hospice. We both know that my Dad would hate being like this, totally gorked out. He's especially sensitive to the narcotics, I imagine being sober for so many years could have something to do with it too. Mom tried to talk to Dad to let him know how out of it he was. His comment was "Beat him over the head with a fucking bat", he was listening to COPS on TV in the background, not my Mom. Dad can still come up with some funny shit - even with everything he's going through. He's always had a great sense of humor.

I left work early yesterday and saw a huge difference in Dad. He was much brighter, able to feed himself, more coherent. He still babbles ragtime sometimes. I was able to talk to him a bit about finances. He gets frustrated very easily though because he can't remember his account #'s or passwords. He did move around more in the 3 hours I was there than the entire day Sunday. He even had enough coordination to maneuver the mouse on Moms laptop.

I'm leaving work early again today so Mom can go to the credit union and get the account #'s and passwords. The mortgage is late and Dad handled all the bills. Mom had been bugging him for a while to show her everything, but he kept hanging on to it. It's the one thing he could control and I think he felt that if he gave it up, it was one step closer to giving up. We all thought there'd be more time for this, to get things squared away. I'll have to handle everything for now, to try and take some of the load off Mom.

I'm hoping he comes around a bit more so I can at least get a handle on how he did things.

In talking with D over the weekend (she lost her Dad suddenly a couple years ago), she said they found a paper in her Dad's stuff titled Things You'll Need to Know. It had everything on it - the bank accounts, insurance policies, pensions etc. I need to write up something like that. Most of my bills are paid online automatically. My son wouldn't have a clue where to start if something happened to me. I need to have a list of all my accounts, how they're paid, when they're paid, my computer log ins and online accounts, my life insurance policy, what would need to be canceled and how...etc...etc...

You all should do it to. It might just feel like it's your job to take care of all that stuff, maybe there isn't anyone else to do it. But, if something should happen to you - would there be someone that could take over and make sure things are taken care of? If you're like me and used to taking care of things, I certainly wouldn't want to dump it all on someone else without at least some direction.