RULES OF THE HOUSE DOG
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the doghouse
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident", even if it's true.
IF WE DID NOT HAVE DOGS
1. We could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.
2. Our house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.
3. All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of dog hair.
4. When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like the ASPCA kennels.
5. When the doorbell rings, we could get to the door without wading through dog bodies who beat us there.
6. We could sit on the couch the way we wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.
7. We would not have strange presents under our Christmas tree ... like dog bones, stuffed animals or have to answer to people why we wrap them.
8. We would not be on a first name basis with three vets.
9. The most used words in our vocabulary would not be: "out", "sit", "down", "come", "no", "stay", and "leave him/her/it ALONE".
10. Our house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.
11. Our pockets would not contain things like poo pick-up bags, dog treats and extra leashes.
12. We would no longer have to spell the words "B-A-L-L" or
"F-R-I-S-B-E-E" or "W-A-L-K."
13. We would not have as many leaves INSIDE our house as outside.
14. We would not look strangely at people who think having their ONE dog ties them down too much.
15. We would not have to answer the question: "Why do we have so many dogs?" from people who will never have the joy in their life of knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an angel as they will ever get.