Wash Away
I've been laying low this week. The whole family is on an emotional roller coaster. Mom & Dad especially. It takes time to truly comprehend the enormity of it all. I've been moving back and forth through the stages of grieving. I was bargaining with God, I told him I'd give him my firstborn. He just snickered at me (he knows what teenagers are like) and said "And deprive your parents the joy of 'The Mothers Curse'?".
I went and saw my therapist Wed. I hadn't been to see him in over a year. I've known this guy for 16 years now. The ex and I went to him for marriage counseling - way back when. He's a hot ticket. Curses like a longshoreman, doesn't pull punches, and will get in your face if you need it. Every once and a while I go in for a tune up.
I told him, we'll call him "T" that I was having a tough time dealing with this.
In true T fashion he said "How else are you supposed to deal with it? It isn't supposed to be easy".
He did help me to get a better perspective though. My grief could very easily consume me. The despair I feel in my shattering heart for my Father is overwhelming. I have moments when I just dissolve into a mushy pile of slobbering goo. Thoughts of staying as a slobbering pile of goo indefinitely flick through my head. I could unwittingly slip to a very dark place where I never want to go again.
BUT.
I don't want to have regrets. Only now am I grasping just how short life really is.
I need to start living in a way so I don't end up with regrets.
No one knows how much time we have on this Earth. I think I'd like memories filled with laughter, love and good things, not weeping sadness. Daddy is sick, yes, but he isn't dead! Grieving has a time and place, I don't want to look back someday and regret wasting time being miserable over the inevitable. We are all going to die. It could be tomorrow, it could be 50 years from now. It could be from Cancer, it could be by a bus, it could be simply falling asleep and never waking up. Whatever time there is will be best spent living, instead of worrying about dying.
I need to thank each and every one of you that has taken the time to lend support and encouraging words. Thank you for listening to my rants, for being understanding, and for all the magical mojo & prayers you've been sending. You have helped me more than you will ever know.
I want to send a shout out to Ginny (I found out you've been lurking here) and thank you for the very nice compliment.
I have a motto:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO - What a ride!
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Disclaimer: Just like New England weather, this positive outlook could change at any moment and probably will...many, many, times. Today is a good day, I'm grateful for it.
3 comments:
Okay, I'll admit it -- that's a much better quote than:
"Every man dies, but not every man truly lives" (feel free to sub in woman/person/etc) - Mel Gibson as William Wallace in Braveheart
:-)
I do admire your new (or perhaps renewed) life's perspective though and I wish you the best of luck with it. The world's demanded a lot from you, it's time to make your demands on the world.
I think your doctor sounds awesome. I agree fully with his sentiment. I say this: Own everything in your life. Make it yours, don't hide it in the back of your closet. What you are going through must be unbelievably wretched. So skid sideways through it, and know that you will always have company as you do.
Courage dear one- life is and never has been easy, but it does have wonder and beauty along the way.
Has anyone told you that you are wonderful, beautiful, kind, magnificent, and loved today? You are.
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