Friday, July 29, 2005


I am alone for the weekend. At last. I haven't posted much lately because I just haven't had the energy. I am slowly having my lifeforce sucked from me by a hormonal teenager.

Oh sure, they start out all helpless and cute. Then they figure out exactly how to manipulate you to get what they want. The CIA should start reciting them at this age. They ply you with the puppy dog eyes and when they don't get their way they whip out their secret weapon. The Temper Tantrum. Whether you are hell bent on world domination or just trying to get the grocery shopping done, a temper tantrum can bring you to your knees in an instant.

Eventually they outgrow this and things fall into a comfortable routine for a few years. Any minor bumps along the way are easily resolved. Mom & Dad still hold the answers for everything, they can make all that is wrong right again. It may seem as though these innocent souls are busy learning and discovering new things. It may seem they are on the right path. It may seem that they still look at you with those adoring eyes. Dad is their Superhero, Mom is the rest of their world.


This is nothing more than a ploy to lull you into complacency. They are only waiting for the hormones to kick in to execute the evil plan they have been devising. Once puberty hits, you will realize you have been setup.

Once the center of their world, you now become the bane of their existence. You may have felt like The Oracle, but you have suddenly become the stupidest person on the planet. Once they move into their Sophomore year of Highschool they have surpassed your limited knowledge. Your logic and reason are not applicable in their world any longer. Your purpose in life has suddenly become nothing more than a barrier to their greatness. You're "ruining" their lives. You never want them to have any fun or be happy, and if their not happy, there is no way in hell you will be.

They are above the menial labor of cleaning their room or taking out the trash. Why should they pick the towel up off the floor if they are only going to use it again for their second or third shower of the day? The floor is much more convenient for dirty clothes, putting them in the hamper is much too exhausting. Why should the bed be made up only to sleep in it 12 hours later? The sink is much closer for dirty dishes than the empty dishwasher. Wearing 3 outfits a day is why we have washing machines! You have become nothing more than a tyrant that uses them as your personal slave.

This is the point when you realize that your once perfect child has been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a lifesucking vampire clone.

I tried using a bunch of really cool links to enhance this post. Alas, I must have done something wrong and none of them worked. I'll have to work on figuring out what I did wrong and attempt it again.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Great Blue Thief

My Sis-In-Law's Dad came from Germany. Although he's been in the US for several decades now, he never lost the accent. That info is pertinent to this tale I heard from my sis-in-law.

Her parents had recently installed a pond in their back yard. Dad was very proud of it and decided to put some Coi fish in it. After a couple days he noticed that some of the fish were missing. He started keeping a closer eye on the pond. One day to his amazement, a Great Blue Heron swooped in, landed in the pond and proceeded to eat a lunch of Coi. Dad was not happy.

He relayed the story to my Sis-In-Law who in turn told us. She does a great imitation of her father, with arms outstretched like a bird in flight.

"Und, dis fooking vulture svept in and ate my fish!"

It was pretty funny.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

More than one way to communicate

I have a routine when I get home from work. I change out of my work clothes and get into something comfortable, then I play a bit with one of my cats. Tabitha is usually laying on my bed when I get home. I always get an enthusiastic "Meow" hello. I usually cup her face in my hands and rub her fur back and forth. Her eyes partly close and she starts purring. Sometimes I even get a short "row" of approval. If I forget to greet her like this, I am nagged until I respond. She is all black with yellow/green eyes. She's quite beautiful and part Siamese. This is apparent in her vocabulary.

She's quite verbal. She can demand her dinner quite clearly by yelling at me, as much as a cat can yell. This has been confirmed by the "Oh my God" elicited from my son in response to the volume of a prolonged "meeeeeeeeooooow!" on more than one occasion. It's as if she is saying "HURRY UP AND FEED ME ALREADY!"

Once I give her a hello rub we will usually play for a bit. I will tickle her belly, pat her back by her tail and rub her head in a way that tells her I am up for a bit of roughhousing. She doesn't like getting too aggressive with my naked hand, but if I hide my hand under a blanket or towel it's a different story. She clicks into Great White Hunter mode. The butt goes up in the air and wiggles back and forth as she crouches down to stalk her prey. Her tail twitches wildly. All at once she shoots across the bed and skids to a halt with her arms outstretched to slip under the towel and catch my wiggling fingers.

We were in the middle of this little romp. She had caught my hand, rolled onto her back and started scratching her hind legs against the towel. I knelt down and got closer.

That's when it happened.

It was a small sound, like a squeak. I went still. We looked at each other. She had a look on her face as if to say "Why'd ya stop?". It only took me a moment to realize.

My cat had farted in my face.

Ever so delicate sounding. A small feline queef. "You farted in my face!" I couldn't believe it. She was licking her paw and looked up. "Reow?" So? It was a look that said "Whadya expect? You feed me that indoor cat crap with greens in it?"

That ended our play session for the day.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

RIP Common Sense

This is one of those forwarded E-mails you get. I thought it worthy of a post. The sentiment is so true.

THE SAD DEATH OF COMMON SENSE "Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school! for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; however they could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Isn't it sad that common sense has gone out the window? We've become a society so worried about being politically correct that we cannot see the forest for the trees.

Charging a six year old with sexual harassment? C'mon?! We don't allow children to be children anymore. We take away a parent's right to discipline their children by screaming abuse, yet blame that parent when their child becomes out of control and delinquent. Everyone is looking for a quick buck and sue happy for their own stupidity; like the man who put his RV on cruise control and went back to the kitchen to make a sandwich. He sued when he crashed - he thought cruise control meant it would drive itself down the highway.

Talk about the dumbing down of America?!

No one wants to be held accountable anymore. It's much easier to point fingers and blame someone, anyone else for our lot in life. People are looking for a quick fix, a happy pill. We've become a nation of addicts praying to the pharmaceutical Gods to solve our woes.

No, I am not going all 'Tom Cruise' on you. I am not gonna tell you to take two vitamins and call me in the morning. Medication certainly helps for medically diagnosed issues. My son is on medication. I thank the Gods for that medication and how it improves his/our quality of life. BUT, the medication is only one small portion of treatment. Therapy, behavior modification and consistency in discipline have to be employed to manage his disability. I refuse to allow my son the 'out' of a disability. Having that disability doesn't give him license for bad behavior. Being more impulsive just means he has to be more aware of that impulsiveness and work harder to control it than others! It's hard work. But isn't that what life is? It's work!

I think that's become part of the problem. Why do the work? It's so much easier to run to the Dr. and say it isn't working! Up the dosage! We end up with a society of lazy, stoned whiners pointing fingers at everyone else for their problems and policing how others live their lives. Isn't that easier than actually using common sense, looking inside ourselves, realizing that we are responsible for our own happiness and lives, shortcomings and all?

Three words: GET OVER IT!

It's time for people to mind their own damn business. I do mean MIND. Take care of what's going on inside your own life. Do the work to make yourself happy. Do the work to be a good parent and bring your children up to be happy, responsible adults. That's the job you agreed to when you decided to reproduce! Teach them manners and respect. Please and Thank you go a long way. Teach them right from wrong. If we did that, would there be a need for gangs? It isn't easy? Waaa. Too damn bad. How can you really learn to appreciate life if it's easy? There needs to be tough times and hard work in order to appreciate and be grateful for the good in life. If you do something stupid or bad, then you need to take responsibility for it!

Let's bring back Common Sense. I'm really worried where humanity will end up if we don't.