The Dash Poem

Due to a notice of (unintentional) copyright infringement, I've had to remove this post.

If you'd like to read the Dash Poem, please visit the authors site: Linda Ellis

Dear Bloggers,

I just watched found this website with a beautiful and powerful presentation that really touched me and I wanted to share it with you. I'm sure you'll enjoy the breathtaking images and the inspiring message.

You can check it out here: http://www.thedash.net

Enjoy your day,

Sharfa

I hope the changes in this post will satisfy the removal of infringed material. I never intended to offend anyone but wanted to share Linda's beautiful words. Apologies.

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

Least of all, THIS. I haven't been online since Tuesday, when I went to work for 6 hours. I left and have not been back. I plan on going back Monday.

I have been immersed in my grief and mourning. I have been immobilized by it. I moved through the motions of the wake and funeral on automatic pilot. There were too many things that had to be done, details needed attending. The funeral home, the graveyard - choosing a plot, picking out flowers, Planning the gathering afterwards. Going through acres of family photographs, scanning, editing and printing for the 6 photo boards and video. I had to focus on my Mom and her well being, I am so worried about her. The people, the cards, the flowers.

The flowers.

Sobbing in the rain with gratitude, when I came across the enormous basket of Daffodils, Tulips and Hyacinths from you wonderful, amazing, loving Magick Mojo Monkees left on my parents doorstep. I was blown away. I plan on giving your most thoughtful gesture it's own post, when I am ready. Recent events however, have forced me to post immediately.

I lost my Father to Cancer. I knew it was coming. That doesn't matter, you're never prepared for how it will affect you. The finality of it is overwhelming.

No matter how deep my loss is, losing both your parents in a sudden, violent, senseless car accident is a crippling event. (Warning: there are some very graphic photographs of MM's parents car on this link). I got to say goodbye, I had the priveledge of being able to tell my Father how much I loved him every day for the last ten months. Magazine Man didn't.

His Mother and Father never got to see the Eclair. I sobbed when I read his post today. I understand why he went numb. The human brain is an amazing protective thing. I understand the pain of losing a parent. I cannot comprehend the pain of losing both your parents so suddenly, so senselessly. Neither can MM, that's why he is numb.

Feeling nothing, feeling dead inside, is a defense mechanism to protect the psyche. I understand this from my most recent experiences. The pain of the loss of a parent is debilitating. If we felt everything all at once - it would kill us.

It would kill me. It would kill anyone.

Grief comes over you like a storm. The pain is excruciating. The thoughts of never seeing his face again, hearing his voice, his laugh...it's incomprehensible. I now understand the meaning of the words "You never get over it, you learn to live with it".

How can I go on with my life without him? There is no "Going back to normal", things will never be normal again. Perhaps it would be easier if this happened in 20 or 30 years. It would be comforting to be able to say "He lived a full life". To have that life taken at a time when he should be retiring and enjoying "The Golden Years" with my Mother, and golfing in Florida makes me feel cheated. Our parents are supposed to live long enough to be pains in our asses. It's our responsibility to take care of them, as they took care of us. To be robbed of that honor isn't fair.

It's not fair.

Living on without him is the hardest part. The loss is unbearable. My life will never, ever, be the same again. I have never felt a loss such as this, until now. I don't know how this will change me, I only know it will.

As will MM.

He will need all our support and love in the coming months.

Donald Francis Corson

November 27, 1945 - April 13, 2007
Be at peace Daddy

A Moment in Time

We were sitting in the bathroom, Dad in the chair, me on the toilet cover. He was catching his breath before the trek back to the kitchen.

He looked at me and his eyes filled with tears, "I'm very proud of you."

I hugged him and started crying. "I love you so much! I don't know what we're going to do without you. " I took his hand and said "I wish I could take this from you, it isn't fair, it's not right."

"It's my time"

"No, it isn't, it's too soon, you're too young, you still have so much to teach me. You can't go and leave me with the two Crones!"

We laughed.

"I won't do that to you, maybe I'll have Jane (my aunt) move in downstairs."

"Then I'll have the 3 of them!"

We laughed at that and then started the trek to the kitchen.

Better is Good

Dad is doing better. Well enough to want to get back in the "big bed" with Mom this morning! Being able to snuggle up with your honey has it's own healing effects and I know they've missed each other, in that respect.

For Mom too answer "Good" and mean it, when I asked how things were on my morning phone check, is an excellent sign. Dad is much more mobile this morning too "Like a Friggin' Jackrabbit!", according to Mom. He wants to do things himself (as always) but Mom wants to make sure he doesn't fall. She's going to have to put a bell around his neck!

He completely lost two days (Sat & Sun) in a medication haze. His breathing has improved too, hopefully he is recovering from the blood clots that landed him in the hospital. Last night, he told "Nurse Cratchett" (his nickname for her) he doesn't want anymore of those pain meds. Saturday he thought she was trying to "slip me a Mickey" in some water.

He still gets tired in the afternoon, I wish he'd take a nap before he gets wiped out . When I went over yesterday I couldn't believe how much brighter he was. He still has some memory/confusion but at least he's lucid! If Dad's doing better - I'm doing better. I'm hoping this will give Mom some piece of mind too. She's lost an awful lot of weight and hasn't been eating like she should. I need to look out for her while she's looking out for him.

For all our family and friends that would like to visit: Please call to see when is a good time (The home health aid starts today and I'm not sure of the schedule) and to make sure my Dad is up for visiting. He told me yesterday he knows he doesn't have a lot of time and he enjoys the company when visitors come. He does tire easily, so shorter visits are best. You've all been so wonderful and I know you're just as concerned as we are. So, give my Mom a call and set up a good time to come by and see my Dad.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughts! You guys are the best and I feel blessed by your concern and support.

This is Hell

The weekend was rough, Sunday especially. Hospice visited on Saturday and said that Dad was working too hard to breath and to up his pain meds. Here's the problem I have with that right now: Dad isn't in a lot of pain and yes, his breathing is an effort. But giving him pain meds doesn't alleviate the effort - it just gets him so stoned he's not aware of it.

I hope none of you ever have to watch your father try to feed himself and be unable to, to see him startle awake as he was dozing off and put his hands in his food. The uncontrollable twitching. It was brutal. Sunday was my Aunts birthday and she was lucky to get a cake, there were no presents or cards. I felt bad. At least my Dad did enjoy some of her birthday cake and ice cream, even if my Mom had to feed it to him and hold on to him to steady him so he could eat. I had to keep leaving the table because I couldn't hold it together. My bro & Grandmother were crying too. This feels like the fourth circle of hell.

Mom felt guilty for giving him the pain meds. I told her she shouldn't, she went on the recommendation of hospice. We both know that my Dad would hate being like this, totally gorked out. He's especially sensitive to the narcotics, I imagine being sober for so many years could have something to do with it too. Mom tried to talk to Dad to let him know how out of it he was. His comment was "Beat him over the head with a fucking bat", he was listening to COPS on TV in the background, not my Mom. Dad can still come up with some funny shit - even with everything he's going through. He's always had a great sense of humor.

I left work early yesterday and saw a huge difference in Dad. He was much brighter, able to feed himself, more coherent. He still babbles ragtime sometimes. I was able to talk to him a bit about finances. He gets frustrated very easily though because he can't remember his account #'s or passwords. He did move around more in the 3 hours I was there than the entire day Sunday. He even had enough coordination to maneuver the mouse on Moms laptop.

I'm leaving work early again today so Mom can go to the credit union and get the account #'s and passwords. The mortgage is late and Dad handled all the bills. Mom had been bugging him for a while to show her everything, but he kept hanging on to it. It's the one thing he could control and I think he felt that if he gave it up, it was one step closer to giving up. We all thought there'd be more time for this, to get things squared away. I'll have to handle everything for now, to try and take some of the load off Mom.

I'm hoping he comes around a bit more so I can at least get a handle on how he did things.

In talking with D over the weekend (she lost her Dad suddenly a couple years ago), she said they found a paper in her Dad's stuff titled Things You'll Need to Know. It had everything on it - the bank accounts, insurance policies, pensions etc. I need to write up something like that. Most of my bills are paid online automatically. My son wouldn't have a clue where to start if something happened to me. I need to have a list of all my accounts, how they're paid, when they're paid, my computer log ins and online accounts, my life insurance policy, what would need to be canceled and how...etc...etc...

You all should do it to. It might just feel like it's your job to take care of all that stuff, maybe there isn't anyone else to do it. But, if something should happen to you - would there be someone that could take over and make sure things are taken care of? If you're like me and used to taking care of things, I certainly wouldn't want to dump it all on someone else without at least some direction.

Dad is Home

Dad is finally home now. He's on oxygen full time. Hospice came in and set up a bed and all the equipment. As you may, or may not know, Hospice usually comes in when there are 6 weeks or less left. Dad has really lost a lot of ground over the last 10 days, and he knows it. He said to my Mom "I'm going downhill fast".

I cannot express to you what it does to me to see my Dad lying in the hospital bed, twitching and reaching out for things that aren't there. Every breath is labored. He looks so fragile, a memory of the man he used to be. I don't have the words or the frame of mind to share with you all that is happening or has happened over the last week. Thank you all for being there for me and my family. Say an extra prayer for us when you have a moment. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I feel so bad for my Mom, she's so strong and yet I know this is breaking her heart.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Why haven't we cured this disease yet? With all our advanced medicine and technology, we should have figured out how to kill this disease by now.

I'll be taking vacation time one or two days a week to give my Mom a break. I'll write when I am able.

The Dark Side

It finally happened. I am officially a convert. I had to switch over to the "new" blogger. I'm probably one of the last hold outs. I've read the horror stories of Bloggers losing archives and having their blogs completely screwed up. I waited. I put it off. I had my final warning. I was forced into converting. So, if things are messed up, it's not my fault. I was forced to come to the dark side.

My phone was out from Sat afternoon until 8:45 PM Tuesday night. Apparently their were 900 customers without service in my area from Friday until Wednesday. The snowstorm had damaged a major trunk line in the center of my town. As long as they got my service up by 9:00PM Tuesday night, they had their asses covered. Oh joy. No posting. No reading blogs. I feel like I've been in the twilight zone for a week.

I had a workshop Monday, Tuesday and half the day Wednesday. Verizon is so lucky I did. I was too fricken tired to want to get online to post.

The workshop was great, learned a lot. I'll tell ya, their isn't a jail big enough for all the administrative assistants working at Universities in the US. The Feds have more regulations for research funding than there is tea in China. At least now I know more of the "Why I have to do that's" for my job. It certainly connects the pieces of the puzzle and gives me the justification for saying "No, you can't do that" to my superiors.

I came back from jury duty to a flurry of proposal activity with a completely new electronic submission system that the bugs have not been worked out of yet. It's been a hell of a couple weeks.

The real excitement came Wednesday, when I received a call from D, who was working from home.

D was hesitant when I picked up the phone, "I don't know if I should tell you this but, an ambulance is on it's way to your parent's house." "I'm glad you called to let me know, gotta go".
I called my parents and Dad answered "Is there an ambulance there?" "Yes, I'm having trouble catching my breath" "OK - Go" I said.

What Dad didn't know is that D has a police scanner and picks up all emergency calls. As soon as she heard my parents address, she called me. I knew Dad would be going to Winchester Hospital where Mom works. I also knew that Dad would be thinking; "How the hell did she know I called an ambulance?" At least that would keep his mind busy when he finally got some 02 in the ambulance.

One thing you have to know is, my Dad doesn't complain, at all. He has not complained once since being diagnosed with Non-Small Cell lung cancer last June, enduring so many radiation treatments you could see him glowing from the moon, and debilitating chemotherapy, not to mention steroid treatments that have rendered it difficult to raise himself out of a chair. It has always been a rare occurrence for him to take aspirin for a headache. For him to call 911 for an ambulance it has to be badder than bad, a life threatening incident.

Two of my office mates were there when I received the call. They detected the alarm in my voice and I filled them in on what had happened. I am so lucky to work with such a phenomenal group of people. Their genuine concern helped me make light of the situation. Aran and Cathy were there for me in that moment and it's only because of them I was able to hold myself together.

I knew it was bad and that the Emergency Room would call Mom (who was working at the time) as soon as Dad was received. It was a few hours later when I finally got the call from Mom. Dad was in Emergency and would be admitted for more testing to find out why his 02 saturation dropped below 92 whenever he was taken off oxygen. Her next question was "How did you know?" I couldn't resist: "I'm psychic" Mom instantly replied "Are you?" For an instant, with all my heart, I wished I was, but I replied honestly. "No, D heard the call on her police scanner. I knew it had to be for Mum (my Grandmother) or Daddy, and I knew I'd be hearing from you eventually, and I knew Daddy would be wondering how I knew about it." I figured it would be a good thing for Dad to focus on once he was in the ambulance.

Dad was admitted to ICU and the test results showed that he had blood clots in his lung (the lung without cancer). He was put on a Hepron (?sp) IV. Mom informed me later Wednesday evening, that hyper-coagulativity is common in lung cancer patients. They had been lucky so far and hoped it wouldn't be something they'd have to deal with. It wasn't until I visited Dad in ICU Thursday after work, I was able to tell him that there were a lot of people looking out for him and nothing bad would happen while D was on watch. It really helps having friends that know the fire department personnel! It's even better when friends can tell said personnel: No, the name they responded to lives in the downstairs apartment and the person they received the call from lives upstairs. There's not too much better than a fire department/EMT employee asking "How do you know more than I do?"

Having emergency personnel coach your best friend's daughter's hockey team in the town your parents live in is a definite plus in this situation, never mind a busybody best friend (I mean that in the best possible light) with a Police scanner.

Dad had an 'umbrella' surgically inserted in his groin to 'catch' any further clots, even though they aren't sure where the clots are coming from. Dad had good color and sounded good when I visited today. He was supposed to be transferred to a 'bed' and out of ICU, if one was available today.

It's a profound event when my Dad tells me he was "Scared Shit less" and he calls 911 for himself. Super Dad is forever brave, it doesn't seem to be in his genetic makeup to ask for help. I'll be forever grateful he did. He was relieved when he was told he would be admitted, because he didn't think he could make it up the stairs at home.

I need to personally thank James, Suldog, Denise, K and Chunks. You are my salvation and the only thing that keeps me real, and hanging on. You truly are Magick Mojo Monkees.

In the midst of all this, son informs me that a recruiter from Ohio has convinced son that the best college to go to upon graduation from his technical high school is in Ohio, and the NASCAR potential incentives hold a special appeal since he would be so far away from me and pursuing his ultimate dream.

Oh joy. I go from a son who has no interest in attending college to one that wants to go halfway across the country just to get away from me and yet have me pay for it.

Don't get me wrong, I would love for my son to get a degree. I would be more than willing to remortgage myself into eternal debt for it. My biggest fear is for son to get 50 feet from his safety net, and turn tail home to Momma. I'm sure it's my fault that son is completely clueless as to what the real world is like. No matter what kind of Mother you are, you are responsible for the failures of your offspring. In my own defense, I've told son that he'd better get his grades up and a summer job if he truly has his heart set on going to college in Ohio.

At the very least, it has been a most interesting few weeks as of late.

In an effort to try and keep things light: Did anyone see Wed. episode of Lost? Holy shit Batman! Did anyone else see this coming? This ep. leads me to believe, more than ever, that Locke's "father" is the real "Sawyer", the Con-Artist that killed James' father. I need this kind of inane shit to keep me going at times. Year 3 has finally gotten back to year one caliber of writing, IMHO.

What do you think?

Something warm and fuzzy to counteract the depressing previous post

RULES OF THE HOUSE DOG

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the doghouse

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident", even if it's true.

Author unknown.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IF WE DID NOT HAVE DOGS

1. We could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

2. Our house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

3. All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of dog hair.

4. When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like the ASPCA kennels.

5. When the doorbell rings, we could get to the door without wading through dog bodies who beat us there.

6. We could sit on the couch the way we wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.

7. We would not have strange presents under our Christmas tree ... like dog bones, stuffed animals or have to answer to people why we wrap them.

8. We would not be on a first name basis with three vets.

9. The most used words in our vocabulary would not be: "out", "sit", "down", "come", "no", "stay", and "leave him/her/it ALONE".

10. Our house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.

11. Our pockets would not contain things like poo pick-up bags, dog treats and extra leashes.

12. We would no longer have to spell the words "B-A-L-L" or

"F-R-I-S-B-E-E" or "W-A-L-K."

13. We would not have as many leaves INSIDE our house as outside.

14. We would not look strangely at people who think having their ONE dog ties them down too much.

15. We would not have to answer the question: "Why do we have so many dogs?" from people who will never have the joy in their life of knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an angel as they will ever get.

Before KFarmer calls the search party

I'm still alive. It's just been a hellacious few weeks.

I stayed home with my son when he was on Feb vacation. I planned to work from home all week, but you know how that goes. So I had to bust butt the week I came back and the I ended up having to serve jury duty for 5 days last week. Jury duty was interesting, it was a civil case and it deserves it's own blog.

I came back to work this week and there is an emergency push on a proposal to get it through. There is a lot to this that I really can't go into. The goings on at work have not been all that great and I'm not feeling too good about it.

Son is home alone today due to a 'teacher professional day'. I'm sorry - but with only 180 'teaching' days in the school year - why don't they do their 'professional days' during the summer? Son being home alone all day is stress enough, since I cannot trust him as far as I can throw him. He's gotten himself into trouble lately and my hair is going grayer by the minute.

Dad is, well, Dad isn't doing so great. He had an additional 16 (I think) radiation treatments to his chest. He's maxed out for radiation now. He's on the pill form of chemotherapy which carries more side effects. His CEA Count is over 100, just a short time ago it was below 20. He has no strength whatsoever. He has trouble just getting up from a sitting position. He's going for an MRI on his spine today. The Doc told him it's time he stopped working. He has had a helper as of late. The main reason he's continued is financial. They need the cash flow.

I feel for my Mom. She's very depressed. It's true that ignorance is bliss. Being an RN, she knows what's going on and what's coming, she's seen the patients at the hospital. She's watching her husbands body be ravaged by the treatments and the disease.

Things will have to start moving on selling Maine. They've already asked me if I want some things from there, which is bittersweet. It's a full house and will involve moving a lot of furniture etc., cleaning out their shed at home and storing what will fit. They are inevitable tasks that I'm dreading doing for so many reasons.

I apologize for my absence. Sometimes just getting through the day is all I have in me, barely. Just an example of how things are so not going my way: I made an appointment with my therapist and then I got a letter from the office that he was taking a leave of absence. His sweetie has ALS and he's taking care of her. I can't seem to win.

I do miss you, Dear blog, and I'll do what I can to post.